Ruqayyah kept the name her father gave her. She came to Christ in her second year at the University of Ilorin, through a coursemate who invited her to a Bible study in a hostel room with one fluorescent tube and a standing fan that never worked. Her family is Muslim. Her father did not speak to her for almost a year. When he finally did, his first question was not about her faith. It was, “So who will you marry now?”
She is thirty-one. She works as a pharmacist in Ikeja and attends a lively church on the mainland. Her mother calls every Sunday evening, and the conversation always arrives at the same place. “Your mates have children in primary school. Your father is getting old. Is there no one in that church of yours?”
One Friday night last year, at the monthly vigil, a visiting minister began calling people out from the congregation. A little after one o’clock, he pointed toward the women’s section. “The sister in the green gele. Pharmacist. Stand up.” Ruqayyah stood, her heart pounding. He then pointed across the hall to a brother in a blue shirt by the pillar, a man named in the choir list whom she had greeted perhaps three times. “That is your husband. The Lord has shown me. If you refuse this word, you will remain single for another seven years.”
The hall erupted. People clapped and shouted. Some of the women near her hugged her. The brother in the blue shirt looked as stunned as she was.
By the following Wednesday he was sending her messages that began “My wife.” A deaconess took her aside after midweek service and warned her not to “fight against God.” Ruqayyah went home, sat on the edge of her bed and could not pray. She did not feel any attraction to him. She knew almost nothing about him. And yet a man of God had spoken, and a whole congregation had heard.
“Pastor,” she asked me, “if I say no, am I disobeying God?”
A willing decision
Before we look at what a believer should consider in choosing a spouse, we need to settle something foundational. Marriage is a willing decision by two people. Nobody else can make it for you: not your parents, not your pastor, not a prophet, not the pressure of your age.
There is a lovely detail in one of the earliest marriage stories in the Bible. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac from among his relatives. The servant prayed, God guided him, and he met Rebekah at the well. Her family agreed to the marriage. By the customs of that time, the matter might have been considered settled. But when the servant wanted to leave immediately, something happened:
And they said, We will call the damsel, and enquire at her mouth. And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, Wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go.
“We will call the damsel, and enquire at her mouth.” Even in a culture where families arranged marriages, and even when the servant was convinced God had guided him, Rebekah was asked. “Wilt thou go with this man?” And she answered for herself: “I will go.”
PunchlineThose three words carry great weight. Her consent was not decoration. God’s guidance had been real, and her family’s blessing mattered, but the final word came from her own mouth.
This principle runs throughout Scripture. God does not force anyone into covenant with Himself. He calls, invites, persuades and woos, but He does not coerce. And a marriage that mirrors His covenant must begin with two people freely saying yes. In our culture, where families play a large and often good part in marriage, this needs to be said clearly. Your parents’ counsel deserves real honour. But no family, church or minister has the right to make the decision for you.
Free to marry, only in the Lord
Paul gives the clearest New Testament instruction about choosing a spouse at the end of 1 Corinthians 7:
The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.
Paul is speaking here about a widow, but the principle he states has long been applied to every believer considering marriage. Notice first the freedom. “She is at liberty to be married to whom she will.” That is a striking phrase. In a world where women had very little say over their lives, Paul affirms the widow’s freedom to choose. The choice belongs to her.
Then comes the one boundary: “only in the Lord.” A believer should marry a believer. That is not a matter of church membership or denomination. It means marrying someone who belongs to Christ, who has trusted Him and is following Him.
Paul says something similar in his second letter to the same church:
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
In context, this passage addresses partnerships of every kind in which a believer is bound together with idolatry, and it is wider than marriage. But Christians have rightly seen marriage as the closest partnership of all. A yoke joined two oxen to pull in the same direction. If one ox pulls toward the field and the other toward the river, the yoke chafes both, and the plough goes nowhere. Two people who have different masters will pull in different directions in the decisions that matter most.
For Ruqayyah, this boundary had been costly. Her family had hoped she would marry a Muslim man who might bring her back. She had already chosen Christ at the cost of her father’s approval, and she would not marry outside Him.
A word of grace is needed here for those who are already married to an unbeliever, whether because they came to faith after the wedding or because they married outside the Lord. Paul does not tell you to leave. “If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away” (1 Corinthians 7:12). Your marriage is real and holy before God. Love your spouse well, and trust the Lord with their heart. The instruction to marry “in the Lord” is guidance for those still choosing. It is not a stick for beating those who have already chosen.
Faith you can see
“Only in the Lord” raises an obvious question. How do you know whether someone is truly in the Lord? Many people attend church. Many can pray loudly and quote verses. Jesus gave us a simple test:
Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
“Ye shall know them by their fruits.” Jesus was speaking about false prophets, but the principle applies widely. You do not discover the nature of a tree by listening to what it says about itself. You look at what it produces, and you look over time, because fruit takes a season to appear.
What fruit should you look for? Look for a person who is honest, even when it costs them. Look for someone whose faith shows in how they treat people who cannot benefit them: the cleaner, the junior staff, the younger sibling. Look for someone who can receive correction without exploding, and who apologises when they are wrong. Look for someone who handles money with integrity, who keeps their word, who is faithful in small things. Look for someone whose relationship with God continues when nobody is watching, in private prayer and in obedience at work, not only in public worship.
Demonstrated character deserves far more attention than impressive spiritual language. A man who prays beautifully in the fellowship but cheats his customers at the shop is showing you his fruit. A woman who leads worship powerfully but speaks with contempt about everyone in her office is showing you hers. Listen to how a person speaks about their parents, their former relationships and their colleagues. Ask people who have known them for years. Watch how they behave under pressure. None of us is perfect, and you are not looking for perfection. But you are looking for the direction of a life.
NuggetFaith deserves attention, and so does demonstrated character. You do not know a tree by what it says about itself. You know it by its fruit, over time.
Knowing yourself truthfully
A willing marriage decision requires truthful knowledge of two people, and one of them is you.
Why do you want to marry? There are many good reasons: love for a particular person, a desire for companionship, the wish to build a family, a sense that God is leading you into this covenant. But there are other reasons that can hide underneath. Loneliness can make almost anyone look like a suitable partner. Fear of being left behind by your friends can rush a decision. A desire to escape a difficult home, to gain status, to secure a visa, to stop the questions at family gatherings or to prove something to an ex can all disguise themselves as love.
Be honest with yourself. What do you actually need from a spouse, and what are you expecting a spouse to fix that only God can heal? What are your weaknesses, and what kind of person would help you grow rather than simply tolerate them? What do you know about how you handle conflict, money and stress? If you have never seriously asked these questions, ask them now, and ask trusted friends to help you answer. The heart can deceive us very easily, especially when we want something badly.
Know your health too. In Nigeria, every couple considering marriage should know their genotypes. Sickle cell disease brings real suffering, and two people who both carry the trait need to understand the risks before they marry, with medical counsel and without shame. Other health matters, physical and mental, also deserve honest discussion at the right stage of a relationship. Truthful knowledge of yourself includes knowing what you need to tell another person.
A prudent wife is from the LORD
The book of Proverbs places two kinds of inheritance side by side:
House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the LORD .
“House and riches are the inheritance of fathers.” A father can leave his son property and money. Those things can be passed down through human planning. “But a prudent wife is from the LORD.” A good spouse is a gift that no inheritance can guarantee. The verse is written from the perspective of a young man, but the truth applies equally to a woman seeking a husband. A prudent husband is from the Lord as well.
The word prudent describes someone with insight and good sense, who acts wisely and understands situations clearly. The proverb does not praise beauty, wealth or family connections. It praises wisdom. And it says that such a person is God’s gift.
That should give us both comfort and caution. Comfort, because God cares about this part of your life and is able to bring the right person to you. You do not have to engineer it all by yourself. But also caution, because recognising God’s gift still requires discernment. God’s providence usually works through wisdom, not around it. Abraham’s servant prayed for guidance, and he also watched carefully how Rebekah behaved at the well. She offered water not only to him but to his ten camels, which was hours of hard work for a stranger. He saw her character before he spoke to her family. Prayer and observation went together.
PunchlineTrusting God to provide a spouse does not mean switching off your judgement. It means asking God to give you wisdom, and then using it.
Sincere believers differ on a related question. Some hold that God has one particular person in mind for each believer who will marry, and that the task is to find that person through prayer and guidance. Others hold that God gives His children freedom to choose among many suitable people, within the boundaries of Scripture and the leading of wisdom, and then blesses the covenant they make. Both views take God’s providence seriously, and Proverbs 19:14 sits comfortably with either. But each has a danger to avoid. The first can paralyse people, who fear that one wrong step will make them miss “the one” for ever, or it can tempt them to treat every strong feeling as a sign. The second can make people careless, as if God had no interest in the choice. Whichever view you lean toward, the practical path is the same: walk with God, look for faith and character, take counsel, and decide freely and carefully.
If any of you lack wisdom
James begins his letter by speaking to believers going through trials. He tells them that testing produces patience, and that patience should be allowed to do its full work. Then he adds a promise:
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
The context is suffering, but the promise is wide. Whatever the situation, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God.” Choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions most people will ever make, and every one of us lacks wisdom for it. So ask.
Notice what James says about God. He “giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not.” Liberally means generously, without holding back. Upbraideth not means He does not scold you for asking. You do not need to be embarrassed that you need His help. You do not need to approach Him nervously, afraid He will be annoyed at your confusion. He loves to give wisdom to His children.
How does that wisdom usually come? Rarely in a single flash of revelation. More often it comes through the Scriptures, which set out the boundaries and the values. It comes through the counsel of mature believers who know you. “In the multitude of counsellors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). It comes through time and honest observation. It comes through the peace of God that settles a decision, and sometimes through an unease that will not go away. And it comes through your own sanctified judgement, which God has given you and expects you to use.
James adds, “But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering” (James 1:6). Asking in faith means trusting that God will actually help you, and then acting on the wisdom He gives. Some believers keep asking for signs because they are afraid to decide. They set private tests: if he calls before nine o’clock tonight, he is the one; if it rains on Saturday, I should say yes. People sometimes point to Gideon’s fleece (Judges 6:36-40), but Gideon was asking God to confirm a word He had already spoken clearly, and he himself seemed to know he was testing God’s patience: “Let not thine anger be hot against me” (Judges 6:39). A marriage decision built on coincidences has a very weak foundation. Ask, receive wisdom, and then have the courage to use it.
When someone claims a revelation
Let me speak directly to the question Ruqayyah asked. What should you do when someone claims a revelation about who you should marry?
I believe in the gift of prophecy. The New Testament teaches that the Holy Spirit still speaks, and I have seen God use prophetic words to encourage, confirm and guide His people. Some believers are more cautious about such gifts today, and I respect their concern. But whatever view you hold of prophecy, the New Testament is clear that prophetic words must be weighed. “Let the prophets speak two or three, and let the other judge” (1 Corinthians 14:29). John writes, “believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God” (1 John 4:1). No prophetic word is exempt from testing.
Look at what happened when the prophet Agabus came to Paul in Caesarea (Acts 21:10-14). He took Paul’s belt, bound his own hands and feet with it, and said that the Holy Spirit was showing him that Paul would be bound in Jerusalem. The believers around Paul wept and begged him not to go. But Paul made his own decision before God. He was willing to be bound, even to die, for the name of the Lord Jesus. And when he would not be persuaded, they said, “The will of the Lord be done” (Acts 21:14). The prophecy informed Paul. It did not decide for him. His friends’ interpretation of it did not override his own discernment before God.
If that is true of a genuine prophet like Agabus, it is certainly true of a visiting minister at a vigil. A word about your marriage may be a confirmation of something God is already showing you both. But it cannot carry the responsibility of choosing. Only you can do that, before God.
And some “words” carry clear warning signs. A prophecy that comes with a threat, such as “if you refuse you will remain single for seven years,” is using fear to remove your freedom. That is not how the Spirit of God works. “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty” (2 Corinthians 3:17). A word that tells one person that another person belongs to them, before that person has had any say, is treating a human being as a prize. A minister who announces such things publicly, before the congregation, has placed both people under enormous pressure that no genuine word from God requires. The same caution applies when the “word” comes from inside yourself. Some brothers, and occasionally sisters, have approached another believer with the announcement, “God has told me you are my wife,” or “the Lord showed me you are my husband.” Even if you sincerely believe God has stirred your heart toward someone, telling them that God has already decided puts them in an impossible position. It turns an invitation into a demand. If you are drawn to someone, say so honestly and humbly, as your own desire, and leave them completely free to respond. If God is in it, He can speak to them too.
If you are ever in that position, you are free to say no. You are not fighting God by declining to marry someone you do not know. You may need the support of a wise pastor to stand firm, and I would encourage you to seek it.
The pressure of the clock
The other great pressure on unmarried believers, especially women, is age. “Your time is going.” “You are no longer young.” “After thirty-five, nobody will want you.” Men feel it too, in different forms: the pressure to marry once they have a job, to give their parents grandchildren, to prove they are responsible.
These pressures are real, and some of the concern behind them is real. A woman who wants children does face biological realities, and she is right to think about them. But pressure is a very poor guide to a decision. The book of Proverbs says:
Also, that the soul be without knowledge, it is not good; and he that hasteth with his feet sinneth.
“He that hasteth with his feet sinneth.” The word means to miss the mark. A person who rushes ahead without knowledge is likely to stumble. Haste is one of the great enemies of a wise marriage decision. When fear of the clock drives you, you will overlook warning signs, ignore your own uneasiness and talk yourself into things you would never accept if you were calm.
It is far better to remain unmarried than to marry the wrong person. A difficult singleness is painful. A destructive marriage can be devastating, for you and for any children who come. If you feel the pressure of age, bring that pressure honestly to God. Grieve if you need to. But do not let it make the decision.
The same is true for widowed and divorced believers who are considering marriage again. Loneliness after a loss can be overwhelming, and families sometimes push for a quick remarriage for practical reasons. Take your time. Heal. Let your children, if you have them, have a voice in the process. Paul’s instruction to the widow in 1 Corinthians 7:39 is the same freedom and the same boundary: free to marry whom she will, only in the Lord. Paul adds in the next verse, “But she is happier if she so abide, after my judgment” (1 Corinthians 7:40). He offers his counsel honestly. He does not command it. He leaves her free.
Ruqayyah did not marry the brother in the blue shirt.
She spent two weeks praying, and she spoke to her pastor, who was not happy about what had happened at the vigil and said so. Together they met with the brother. He was kind and embarrassed, and admitted that he had liked the idea of the prophecy more than he had actually wanted to marry her. “I think I was just happy that somebody said God had chosen a wife for me,” he said. They agreed, gently, that there was nothing between them. The pastor spoke to the deaconess. The church leadership later asked that visiting ministers not make public pronouncements about marriages.
The seven years have not yet passed, and I do not think Ruqayyah is counting them.
Earlier this year she began getting to know a man from another church, an accountant she met through a mutual friend. They are taking things slowly. They meet in public places and in the homes of friends. He has met her pastor. She has met his. They are talking about faith, money, children, her family’s opposition and his family’s expectations. She does not know yet whether it will lead to marriage. Her mother still calls every Sunday evening, and now asks a different question: “Is he a good man?”
“I am finding out, Mama,” she says. “That is what I am supposed to do.”
When I asked her recently what she had learned, she said this: “If God wants me to marry, He does not need to frighten me into it. He will give me wisdom, and He will let me say yes with my own mouth.”
That is true for you too. God gives wisdom liberally. He has set the boundary: only in the Lord. He gives good people as gifts. And He leaves you free to say, with your own mouth and a clear heart, “I will go.”
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- How does Rebekah’s answer, “I will go,” shape your understanding of the place of consent and freedom in choosing a spouse?
- What fruit would you look for in a person to see whether their faith is real, and how would you observe it over time?
- What reasons for wanting to marry might be hiding underneath your stated reasons?
- How would you weigh a prophetic word or a family’s strong advice about who you should marry?
- In what ways has the pressure of age or status affected your thinking, and how can you bring that pressure to God?
This Week
This week, write out James 1:5 on a card and pray it every morning, asking God specifically for wisdom about your own life and relationships. Then make a list of three mature believers, at least one of them married for many years, whose counsel you would trust in choosing a spouse. Contact one of them before the week ends and ask if you may talk with them about this area of your life, whether or not you are in a relationship now.
A Prayer
Father, thank You that You give wisdom liberally to all who ask, and that You never scold me for needing it. I ask You now for wisdom about my future and about any choice of a life partner. Help me to know myself truthfully and to see others by their fruit. Keep me within the freedom and the boundary You have set, only in the Lord. Guard me from pressure, from fear of the clock, and from any voice that would take away the freedom You have given me. If You give me a spouse, let me receive that gift with a clear heart and my own willing yes. And if I wait, let me wait in peace, knowing that I am loved. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.