The invitation cards had already been printed. Alaere showed me one when she came to see me: thick cream card, gold lettering, a small picture of the two of them laughing on the beach at Port Harcourt. The aso-ebi had been chosen and sold to more than eighty guests. Her mother had paid a deposit on the hall. The wedding was nine weeks away.
She had not come to talk about the wedding. She had come, she said, “just to ask a question”. It took her almost an hour to ask it.
The man she was engaged to was charming, generous and well liked. I will not give him a name, because he could be any number of men. He led the drama team at his church. He remembered her mother’s birthday. In the early months he sent her voice notes every morning with a verse of Scripture and a prayer. Her friends envied her.
But there were other things. Within weeks of the engagement he had asked for the password to her phone, “because couples should share everything”, though he never offered his own. He had started telling her which friends were “bad influences”, and gradually she had stopped seeing most of them. He chose what she wore when they went out. Once, at a filling station, she had laughed at something the attendant said, and in the car afterwards he gripped her wrist hard enough to leave a mark. The next day he arrived with flowers and a long voice note about how much he loved her and how the devil was attacking their relationship.
Then she discovered that the master’s degree he spoke about had never been completed. She found messages about loans she knew nothing about. And there was the betting app on his phone, which he said was “only for fun”, though she had seen him lose a month’s rent on a single football weekend.
When she raised any of it, the answer was always the same. She was too sensitive. She was listening to jealous people. She did not trust God. When their pastor suggested they attend premarital counselling, he refused. “Our relationship is between us and God,” he said. “We don’t need people in our business.”
PunchlineHer mother’s advice was gentle and firm. “Every man has his ways, my daughter. Marriage will settle him. Pray, and God will change him.”
Alaere put the invitation card on my desk and finally asked her question. “Pastor, am I overreacting?”
The love that explains things away
Strong affection is one of God’s good gifts. It is also one of the easiest things in the world to deceive ourselves with. When we love someone, we want to believe the best about them, and that is often right. But love can also become very skilled at explaining away what it does not want to see.
The bruise becomes a one-off. The lie becomes a misunderstanding. The control becomes protectiveness. The anger becomes stress at work. The refusal to be accountable becomes a strong personality. Each explanation is possible on its own. Together, they form a pattern, and patterns are what we must learn to see.
There are many forces that make it harder still. In our culture, there is enormous pressure to marry, especially on women past a certain age. Families have often met. Money has been spent. Invitations have gone out. There is the fear of what people will say if the wedding is called off. There is the quiet terror of being single again, after years of waiting. And there is a spiritual-sounding hope that marriage itself will fix what courtship has revealed, or that prayer will change a man who has shown no desire to change.
Prayer is powerful, and God does change people. But Scripture never tells us to marry someone in order to change them. It tells us to look honestly at who they are. Marriage does not usually soften what courtship reveals. It tends to reveal more of it. The person who controls your phone before the wedding is unlikely to loosen his grip once you share a house, a bank account and children. Courtship is when you are meant to see. Marriage is when you live with what you saw.
So the question Alaere asked deserves a serious answer. Some fears really are overreactions. But some are the Holy Spirit and your own good sense trying to get your attention.
The prudent man foreseeth the evil
The book of Proverbs has a sentence that every engaged person should know by heart:
A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished.
Proverbs contrasts two kinds of people. The prudent person sees trouble coming and takes cover. The simple person keeps walking straight into it, and suffers for it. The simple person in Proverbs is not necessarily wicked. He is naive. He “believeth every word” (Proverbs 14:15). He does not think ahead. He assumes things will turn out well because he wants them to.
The proverb appears twice in the book, almost word for word (Proverbs 27:12), as though the Holy Spirit wanted to make sure we did not miss it. Prudence is not suspicion or cynicism. It is the God-given ability to read where a road is heading and to act before you arrive.
Notice what the prudent man does: he “hideth himself.” He takes protective action. Seeing a danger is only half of wisdom. The other half is doing something about it. Many people in unhappy and unsafe marriages will tell you that they saw the signs before the wedding. They simply did not act on what they saw.
This is not a lack of faith. Faith does not require us to ignore evidence. When Paul learned of a plot to kill him, he did not stay put and pray. He sent his nephew to tell the commander, and he accepted an armed escort out of Jerusalem (Acts 23:16-24). Sensible precaution is a form of wisdom, and wisdom comes from God.
By their fruits ye shall know them
Jesus gave His disciples a test for recognising false prophets, and the principle behind it applies far more widely:
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
“Sheep’s clothing” is the outward appearance of gentleness and godliness. Wolves can wear it very convincingly. Jesus does not tell us to look at the clothing. He tells us to look at the fruit: “by their fruits ye shall know them.” A tree is known by what it produces over time, season after season. A single good apple does not prove a tree is healthy, and a single bad one does not prove it is rotten. But the consistent harvest tells you what kind of tree it is.
In courtship, the clothing is often very impressive. Charm. Generosity. Spiritual vocabulary. Gifts. Public displays of affection. Leadership in church. None of these things are bad in themselves, and none of them are fruit. Fruit is how a person behaves when they are not trying to impress you. How do they treat waiters, drivers and the girl who sells recharge cards? How do they speak about their mother, their ex, their colleagues? What do they do when they lose money, lose an argument, or hear the word no? Are they the same person in private that they are on Sunday?
David knew what it was to be betrayed by someone whose words were beautiful:
The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were softer than oil, yet were they drawn swords.
“Smoother than butter, but war was in his heart.” Smooth words and sweet voice notes are easy to produce. The fruit of a life is much harder to fake for long. That is why courtship should not be rushed. Give the tree enough seasons to show what it bears. See the person you love under pressure: stuck in traffic on the way to an important meeting, when a business plan collapses, when your family disagrees with them, when they are tired, hungry or disappointed. See how they relate to your parents and how they treat your friends. Ask the people who love you, and who have watched the two of you together, what they have noticed. Love sometimes sees less clearly than friendship does.
There is a necessary balance here. Every person you could ever marry is a sinner saved by grace. Everyone has immaturities, blind spots and bad days. You are not looking for a perfect person, and if you demand perfection, you will never marry, and you will be unfair to some very good people. The question is not whether someone has faults. The question is what kind of patterns their life produces, and how they respond when those patterns are named.
Control and violence
There are some patterns that should never be explained away. Let me name them clearly.
I will describe these mostly in terms of a man, because that is how Alaere’s story unfolded and because it is the most common pattern our churches see. But every one of these signs can appear in a woman too, and a man who is being controlled, deceived or belittled by the woman he is engaged to needs to hear this as much as anyone.
Control. Control is the attempt to manage another person’s life: their phone, their movements, their friendships, their money, their clothing, their decisions. It often begins as something that looks like care. “I just want to know where you are.” “Those friends are not good for you.” Over time, the circle gets smaller and smaller, until the person being controlled has lost contact with anyone who might help them see clearly. Isolation is one of the most common features of abusive relationships. If your partner is slowly cutting you off from family and friends, pay close attention.
Control sometimes uses Scripture. A man may quote Ephesians 5 about wives submitting to their husbands, before there is even a marriage, and without any reference to the verses that tell husbands to love their wives “as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25). Biblical headship is a call to lay down your life. It never gives a man the right to seize someone else’s.
Violence. Any physical violence in courtship is a serious warning sign. That includes grabbing, pushing, slapping, blocking a doorway, throwing things or driving recklessly to frighten you. It also includes threats: “If you leave me, you will see what I will do.” Proverbs gives a direct instruction:
Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.
“Make no friendship with an angry man.” Proverbs is not describing someone who occasionally feels angry. It is describing a furious man, a man ruled by rage. Do not walk with him, Proverbs says, because his ways become a snare. A courtship is the time when people are on their best behaviour. If violence appears even then, it will very rarely disappear after the wedding. The flowers and apologies that so often follow do not cancel it. They are frequently part of the pattern.
If you are in a relationship where there has been violence or threats, please take your safety seriously. Tell someone you trust what has happened, and do not keep it secret to protect his reputation. Keep a record of incidents and any messages. Do not agree to meet him alone in a private place to “talk it out”, especially if you are ending the relationship. If you are in immediate danger, go to a safe place and contact the police. In Nigeria, the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act of 2015 makes many forms of domestic and intimate violence an offence, and several states, including Lagos, have agencies set up to respond to domestic and sexual violence. A good pastor will help you reach them. No one should ever tell you that enduring violence is the price of a godly marriage.
Deceit and secrecy
Deceit. Marriage is built on trust, and trust is built on truth. Scripture speaks about lying with unusual force:
Lying lips are abomination to the LORD : but they that deal truly are his delight.
God calls lying lips “abomination”, a word Proverbs keeps for things He finds deeply offensive. On the other side, those who “deal truly are his delight.” God takes pleasure in honesty.
Every person tells an occasional untruth and needs to repent of it. But repeated dishonesty is something else. A person who lies about their education, their job, their past relationships, their children, their debts, their health or their finances is building your future on sand. When you find one lie, ask yourself how many you have not found. When you confront it, watch what happens. Does the person acknowledge it and tell you the whole truth? Or do they minimise it, change the story, or turn it back on you for “investigating” them?
Secrecy. Some privacy is healthy. Every person has a right to an inner life with God, and not every detail of your past must be shared on the first date. But secrecy is different. Secrecy hides things that affect the other person: a hidden child, a hidden marriage, hidden debts, a hidden addiction, a second phone, unexplained absences. Jesus spoke about why secrecy and sin so often travel together:
For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.
“Every one that doeth evil hateth the light.” People hide what they know would not survive being seen. Those who do truth come willingly into the light. One of the healthiest signs in a courtship is two people who are increasingly comfortable being fully known, and one of the most worrying is a person who keeps whole areas of their life locked away, especially while demanding total access to yours.
Addiction and contempt
Addiction. Addictions take many forms: alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, betting apps, even compulsive spending. “Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise” (Proverbs 20:1). Addiction mocks the people it holds. It promises control while taking it away. In Nigeria, sports betting has quietly become one of the most destructive of these, precisely because it is so easy to dismiss as harmless fun.
Addiction is not beyond the grace of God, and many people have been set free. But freedom usually comes through honesty, accountability and often professional help, sustained over time. If your partner has an active addiction that they deny, hide or refuse help for, you should not marry them in the hope that the marriage will cure it. Marriage will not cure it. You will simply become part of its cost. If they are genuinely in recovery, walk slowly, insist on transparency and seek wise counsel together.
Contempt. Contempt is the attitude that the other person is beneath you. It shows itself in mockery, sneering, eye-rolling, belittling comments in front of friends, jokes at your expense and dismissing your opinions as foolish. It often comes dressed as humour, and when you object, you are told you cannot take a joke. Scripture describes love very differently: it “vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up” (1 Corinthians 13:4). Contempt is love’s opposite. A person who regularly treats you with contempt before marriage is telling you how they see you.
The same is true of how they treat others. A man who despises his mother, a woman who mocks the poor, a partner who speaks of former friends with scorn: these attitudes do not stay in compartments. Sooner or later they arrive at your door.
When a person will not be told
Underneath all of these warning signs lies one more, and it may be the most important: the refusal of accountability. Proverbs speaks of two kinds of response to correction:
He that reproveth a scorner getteth to himself shame: and he that rebuketh a wicked man getteth himself a blot. Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee. Give instruction to a wise man , and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man , and he will increase in learning.
The scorner resents correction and turns on the person who offers it. The wise person receives correction and grows wiser. This difference matters more than almost anything else in choosing a spouse. Everyone will hurt the person they marry at some point. Everyone will need correcting. What matters is whether, when confronted with their wrong, they can hear it, own it and change.
A person who refuses accountability has a recognisable pattern. They never apologise, or they apologise in a way that blames you: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” They turn every concern back on the one who raised it. They resist counselling, mentoring or any kind of outside eyes on the relationship. “We don’t need people in our business.” They isolate the relationship from the very people who could help it. And they use spiritual language to avoid examination: “Only God can judge me.” Paul warned of people “Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof” (2 Timothy 3:5). The form is easy to wear. The power of godliness always includes the humility to be corrected.
It helps to distinguish remorse from repentance. Remorse feels bad about the consequences and wants the discomfort to end. It often comes with tears, gifts and promises. Repentance turns around. It names the wrong without excuses, accepts consequences, welcomes accountability and shows change over time. A person who is genuinely repentant will not resent you for needing time to see the change. A person who demands instant trust after repeated harm is showing you that nothing has changed.
NuggetWatch what happens when a person’s faults are named. Someone who will not be corrected before marriage will rarely become teachable after it.
Postponing and ending are responsible choices
There is a lie that many engaged couples believe: that once a wedding date has been set, the only faithful thing to do is go through with it. That is not true. An engagement is a promise made in good faith, on the basis of what you knew at the time. If you learn things that reveal real danger, stopping is the responsible and faithful thing to do.
Sometimes postponing is enough. A couple may need more time, honest counselling, or a season to see whether a pattern really changes. That is a wise and loving choice, and a godly partner will accept it, even if it disappoints them. Pay attention if your request for more time is met with rage, guilt or pressure. That reaction may answer your question.
Sometimes the relationship needs to end. That is painful, and the cost can be high. There may be money that cannot be recovered, aso-ebi that has been bought, family members who are angry or embarrassed, and people who gossip. But every one of those costs is temporary. A marriage to a controlling, violent, deceitful or contemptuous person can cost you decades of your life and the safety of your children. As many wise elders have said, it is better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage.
If you decide to end a relationship where there are signs of danger, think about safety first. End it in a public place, or by phone or message if meeting in person feels unsafe. Tell family and trusted friends what you are doing and when. Ask your pastor or a mature believer to stand with you. Do not let yourself be talked into “one last private meeting”. Return gifts through a third party if necessary. If you feel threatened, involve the authorities.
Families need wisdom here too. Parents, if your daughter or son tells you they are afraid of the person they are engaged to, listen. Do not tell them that every man has his ways or that every woman has her moods. Do not let the fear of embarrassment push your child into danger.
And if you see yourself in these warning signs, if you recognise your own control, anger, lies, addiction or contempt, there is hope for you too. Do not hide it. Do not blame your partner for noticing. Bring it into the light, to God and to a mature believer. Accept that the wedding may need to wait. Seek the help you need. “Whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). The grace that saves also changes, and change is best proven before a wedding, not promised after it.
Finally, some reading this are already married to someone who shows these signs. My counsel to you is that abuse is never to be endured in the name of submission or covenant. If you are in danger, your first responsibility is safety for yourself and your children. Speak to someone you trust, and seek qualified help. God’s heart is for the oppressed.
I did not tell Alaere what to do. I told her what I saw. I read Proverbs 22:3 with her, and Matthew 7, and asked her to write down every one of the things she had told me, with dates. Then I asked her to read the list back to me as though it had been written by her younger sister.
She read about halfway down the page and stopped. “If my sister told me this,” she said, “I would tell her to run.”
She postponed the wedding the following week. The conversation did not go well. He was furious, then tearful, then furious again. He told her that she had been poisoned against him and that God would judge her. Two weeks later, through mutual friends, she learned that a previous engagement of his had ended in almost exactly the same way.
PunchlineHer mother was angry for a month and ashamed for longer. Some of the aso-ebi money was never recovered. People talked.
A year later Alaere came to see me again. She was laughing more. She had reconnected with the friends she had drifted away from. She was not in a new relationship and was in no hurry to be. She brought one of the old invitation cards with her and put it on my desk again.
“I keep it,” she said, “to remind me that the prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself. I almost walked straight in. God gave me eyes to see in time.”
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- Which of the warning signs described here (control, violence, deceit, addiction, contempt, secrecy, the refusal of accountability) have you seen explained away, in your own relationships or in others’?
- What pressures in your family or culture make it harder to see clearly during courtship?
- How does Jesus’ teaching about fruit help you look past charm, gifts and spiritual language to a person’s real character?
- How does the person you are courting respond when they are corrected or hear the word no?
- Is there anyone you need to listen to more carefully, either a friend who is worried about you, or a friend who is worried about their own relationship?
This Week
Write down, honestly and with dates where you can, the things that have troubled you in your relationship, however small they seem. Then read the list as though a younger brother or sister had written it about their own relationship, and ask yourself what you would tell them. Share the list with one mature, trusted believer this week and ask for their honest counsel. If you are not in a relationship, write down the warning signs from this article that you resolve never to explain away.
A Prayer
Lord, thank You that You care about whom I marry and how I am treated. Give me the prudence to see danger and the courage to act on what I see. Open my eyes to fruit, not only to clothing. Where I have explained away what You were showing me, forgive me and help me to look again. Protect me and those I love from control, violence, deceit and contempt. If I see these things in myself, give me the humility to bring them into the light and to be changed. Surround me with wise counsel, and give me grace to choose what is right even when it is costly. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.