Mrs Edem begins every premarital class the same way. She hands each person a small stack of index cards and a pen, and she seats the couples on opposite sides of the room. “No looking at each other,” she says. “No whispering. This is not an examination. Just write what you honestly expect.”
Then she reads the questions, one at a time. How many children do you want? Where will we live in the first year? Will any relatives live with us? Who will pay the school fees? How much money do you owe, to anyone? Will the wife keep working after the first child? Which church will we attend? What is your genotype?
When the cards are collected, she reads them out in pairs, without names, and the room goes quiet. Every year there are couples who discover, in a church hall on a Saturday morning, that the person they are about to marry has an entirely different picture of their life together.
She does this because of what happened to her.
She married in Calabar in 1996, a month after her twenty-fourth birthday. She and her husband had courted for two years. They prayed together, they laughed together and they were sure. Three weeks after the wedding, his two younger brothers and a cousin arrived at the flat with their bags. Her husband had promised his late father that he would see them through school, and it had never occurred to him that this needed discussing. “Where else would they go?” he said. In the same month she found the papers for a large loan from his office cooperative, taken to pay for the wedding. And when she mentioned that she planned to go back to her teaching job after their first baby, he looked at her as though she had suggested moving to the moon.
“We loved each other,” she tells her classes. “We just never talked. We had each brought a whole marriage in our heads, and we had never compared them.” By the end of the second year, they were barely speaking. It was an older woman in their church, a retired matron, who finally sat them both down at her dining table and made them say aloud everything they had assumed. It took six Sunday afternoons. They agreed on a date by which the brothers would finish school and find their own lodging. They paid off the cooperative loan together, with her salary as well as his. She went back to teaching after their first son, and he learned, with some grumbling, to bathe a baby. None of it was easy. All of it would have been easier if they had talked first.
They have now been married for thirty years. That is why Mrs Edem runs the class.
Every couple brings a picture
The prophet Amos asks a question that every engaged couple should consider:
Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
In context, Amos is speaking of God and Israel. He asks a series of questions about cause and effect: does a lion roar without prey? does a trap spring without something to catch? The point is that things happen for reasons, and that two walking side by side must share a direction. But the principle is plain enough to apply far beyond its setting. Two people cannot walk together for long without agreement about where they are going.
Every person comes into marriage with a picture already drawn. It was sketched in the house where they grew up: who cooked, who paid, who decided, how money was handled, how conflict sounded, how relatives were treated, what a husband did and what a wife did. Most of us never examine that picture. We simply assume that it is how marriage works.
The problem is that your fiancé has a picture too, drawn in a different house. Some of the lines match. Others do not. And an assumption can remain hidden for a long time, through courtship, the introduction, the traditional wedding and the honeymoon, until married life puts it under pressure. Then it comes out, usually in an argument, usually at the worst possible moment.
PunchlineThe purpose of conversation before marriage is to bring those pictures into the light, so that both of you can see what you are actually agreeing to.
Sitting down to count the cost
Jesus told a short parable about building:
For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it ? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it , all that behold it begin to mock him, Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.
Jesus was speaking to crowds who were following Him enthusiastically, and He wanted them to understand what it would really mean to be His disciples. Enthusiasm was not enough. They needed to count the cost. But the illustration works because the principle is common sense. A sensible person does not start building without first sitting down to see whether they can finish.
Most of us have seen the uncompleted buildings that stand along Nigerian roads, the walls up to window height, rods sticking out of the pillars, weeds growing in what should have been the sitting room. Someone began with excitement and could not finish. Jesus adds a detail that rings true in any Nigerian neighbourhood: “all that behold it begin to mock him.” People notice an abandoned building. They comment on it every time they pass. A marriage that begins with great celebration and then stalls under pressures nobody discussed draws the same kind of attention, and the couple inside it often feel that shame keenly. Much of that pain can be prevented by an honest hour at a table before the foundation is laid.
Notice the words “sitteth not down first.” Counting the cost takes deliberate time. It is not done in passing, in a car, between other things. It means sitting down together with the real questions and the real figures.
Many couples count the cost of the wedding with great care. They know exactly what the hall, the caterers, the aso-ebi, the photographer and the cake will cost. But they never sit down to count the cost of the marriage. A wedding lasts a day. A marriage is the tower.
You do not have to do this alone. “Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established” (Proverbs 15:22). Premarital counselling with a pastor or a mature couple is one of the wisest investments an engaged couple can make. Take it seriously. A good counsellor is giving you time and wisdom to help you build something that lasts, and that deserves more than a box ticked before the church will marry you.
Truth between members of one body
Paul writes to the Ephesians about the new life believers have in Christ, and one of the first things he mentions is honesty:
Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
“Putting away lying.” Paul uses the language of taking off old clothes. Lying belongs to the old life. “Speak every man truth with his neighbour.” And the reason is profound: “for we are members one of another.” In the body of Christ, believers are joined together like the parts of one body. A hand that deceives the eye harms the whole body.
If that is true of believers in general, it is doubly true of two people about to become one flesh. Before the wedding, you need to tell the truth about the things that will affect your partner’s life. Your debts. Your health. Any children from previous relationships. Any previous marriage. Any significant legal or financial troubles. Any addiction or ongoing struggle. You do not need to recount every detail of your past, and wisdom chooses the right time and setting. But you must not let the person you love make the most important decision of their life on the basis of a false picture. Paul says elsewhere that we should be “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Both words matter. Truth without love can wound. Love without truth deceives.
Honest conversation also requires good listening, because much of what matters most lies below the surface:
Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out.
“Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water.” The deepest intentions and fears of a person are like water at the bottom of a well. They do not come up by themselves. “But a man of understanding will draw it out.” That takes patience and good questions. Do not ask only “Do you want children?” Ask “Why? What did you see in your family? What are you afraid of?” The answer to the first question tells you a fact. The answer to the second tells you a person.
A word about how to have these conversations. Do not try to cover everything in one evening, and do not turn them into an interrogation. Choose calm times, when neither of you is tired or rushing. Take one subject at a time, over several weeks. Expect some answers to surprise you, and resist the urge to argue the moment they do. The aim is understanding first; agreement can come later.
You will not agree on everything, and you do not need to. Many differences can be worked out with goodwill: how often to visit each family, how to spend Christmas, who does the cooking. But some differences go to the foundation. If one of you wants children and the other is firmly settled against them, if one is committed to Christ and the other is not, if one is hiding serious debt or a previous marriage and will not be honest about it, those are not details to be sorted out after the wedding. It is far better to discover them now. Sometimes a good conversation leads a couple to postpone the wedding while they work something through. Occasionally it shows them that they should not marry at all. That is painful, but it is a mercy compared with discovering it five years and two children later.
NuggetAn assumption can stay hidden until married life puts it under pressure. Honest conversation before the wedding lets each of you see what you are actually promising.
Faith, church and the way you will decide
Begin with faith. It may seem obvious that two believers share a faith, but you can share a faith and still have very different expectations of how it will be lived at home. Which church will you attend? Will you pray together daily, weekly or only when there is trouble? How will you study Scripture? How will you give? Many believers practise the tithe as a joyful starting point of grace-giving, while others hold that the New Testament calls for generous, proportionate giving without a fixed tenth. Whatever your convictions, agree on them together before the first salary arrives. Will you serve in ministry? How will you raise your children in the faith?
Then talk about how you will make decisions together and what roles each of you expects to play. Scripture calls believers to be “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21), and calls husbands to love their wives “even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25). Sincere believers read these passages differently. Some understand them to teach a pattern of servant headship, in which the husband carries a particular responsibility to lead in love while both submit to one another. Others understand mutual submission to mean full partnership without a fixed leadership role. Both views are held by people who love Scripture. What matters for your marriage is that you know which you each hold, and that whatever the husband’s role, it is never used to dominate.
Paul gives a principle that covers every view:
Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another.
“In honour preferring one another.” In a Christian marriage, each spouse tries to outdo the other in showing honour. That spirit should shape your practical conversations too. Will both of you work? What if one is offered a job in another city? Who will cook, clean and manage the house, especially if both of you work long hours and spend three hours a day in Lagos traffic? What happens when you disagree on something important? Who has the final word, and how will you make sure the other feels heard? Such questions may feel unromantic, yet they are the scaffolding on which romance can last.
Money, debts and obligations
Money is one of the most common causes of conflict in marriage, and one of the least discussed before it. Have the conversation now, and have it in full.
Tell each other what you earn. Tell each other what you owe: bank loans, loan apps, cooperative society loans, money borrowed from friends or family, school fees still being paid, anything at all. Scripture warns that “the borrower is servant to the lender” (Proverbs 22:7). When you marry, your debts become a shared burden, and your partner has a right to know what they are walking into. Paul’s counsel is clear: “Owe no man any thing, but to love one another” (Romans 13:8). If there is significant debt, make a plan to deal with it, and consider whether it would be wise to delay the wedding until the burden is lighter.
Talk about your financial obligations to others. In many Nigerian families, an earning son or daughter is expected to support parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. Scripture honours this kind of care: “if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith” (1 Timothy 5:8). But a new marriage needs to know what those commitments are, how much they will cost, and how they will be decided in future. Mrs Edem’s husband had made a promise to his father that was good and honourable. The promise was right. The silence about it was the mistake.
Talk about how you will manage money once married. Will you have a joint account, separate accounts, or a combination? Who will pay which bills? How will you decide on large purchases? How much will you save, and for what? What does each of you think is a reasonable amount to spend without consulting the other? There is no single right answer to these questions, but there must be an agreed answer. Proverbs describes a household in which “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her” (Proverbs 31:11). That kind of trust is built through transparency.
And talk about the wedding itself. Many Nigerian couples begin married life in debt because of the cost of the ceremony. A beautiful wedding is a good thing, but it is not worth years of financial strain. Count the cost of the tower as carefully as the cost of the opening party. If you would like to think further about money within marriage, the article on financial understanding between husband and wife goes into more depth.
Children and family planning
Do you want children? How many? When? These questions sound simple, but couples are often surprised by each other’s answers. One expects four children within six years. The other is thinking of two, after a master’s degree. One assumes children will start immediately after the wedding. The other hopes for two years alone first.
Scripture speaks of children with joy: “Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward” (Psalm 127:3). A Christian couple should welcome children as a gift. But Christians hold different convictions about family planning and the spacing of children. Some believers have reservations about contraception. Others regard responsible planning as wise stewardship. Most Christians have serious moral concerns about any method that ends a pregnancy once it has begun. This is a matter to discuss with each other, with your pastor and with a qualified doctor, so that you reach an agreement you can both hold with a good conscience.
Ask the harder questions too. What will we do if children do not come quickly? How will we respond to pressure from relatives? Would we consider medical help, and how far would we go? Would we consider adoption? How will we discipline our children? How will each of us share in their care? If either of you already has a child from a previous relationship, how will that child be welcomed and cared for in the new home?
These conversations can touch deep places. Take your time. Listen to the “why” behind each answer.
In-laws and the wider family
Marriage creates a new household. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Leaving is no abandonment of your parents, and it never licenses dishonouring them. It means that your primary loyalty shifts to your spouse, and that your new home has its own life before God.
In our culture, this needs particular care, because family is so central and expectations are so strong. Talk about the practical questions. Will any relatives live with us, and for how long? How often will our parents visit, and how long will they stay? How will we handle it if a parent criticises or tries to direct our marriage? Whose family will we visit at Christmas? How will we respond when relatives ask for money? What customs from each of our families will we observe, at naming ceremonies, at funerals, at times of illness?
Talk also about the hard questions that families sometimes avoid. If one of us dies, how will the other be protected, in law and in custom? Have we each made a will? Will our families respect our wishes? These conversations are uncomfortable. They are also an act of love.
Above all, agree that you will face your families together. A spouse who constantly sides with their parents against their partner, or who allows relatives to mistreat their partner without objection, is undermining the marriage. Settle now that your marriage will come first, and that you will honour both families from that shared foundation.
Health, genotype and honest disclosure
Finally, talk honestly about health. Disclose any serious or ongoing health conditions, physical or mental. Share your HIV status. Talk about family medical history where it is relevant. And know your genotypes.
Mental health belongs in this conversation as well. If you have struggled with depression, anxiety or another condition, or if there is a history of it in your family, say so, and talk about how you will support each other. So do your expectations about physical intimacy in marriage. This can be spoken of modestly and still honestly. Some people carry fears or wounds into marriage, sometimes from abuse they suffered long ago, and a wise premarital counsellor can help a couple talk about this with gentleness and, where needed, point them to further help. Nobody should enter the wedding night carrying a burden their spouse has never been allowed to share.
In Nigeria, genotype testing before marriage has become a common and wise practice, and for good reason. Nigeria carries one of the heaviest burdens of sickle cell disease in the world. When two people who both carry the sickle cell trait (genotype AS) have children, each pregnancy carries a one in four chance that the child will have sickle cell disease. Many families know the pain of repeated crises, hospital admissions and children lost too young. Testing is simple and inexpensive, and it is best done early in a serious relationship, before emotional commitments are too deep to make a free decision.
If both of you are carriers, do not panic and do not hide it. Speak with a doctor or genetic counsellor who can explain your options clearly. Pray, seek counsel and make your decision together, with full knowledge. Some couples in this situation decide not to marry. Others proceed with careful medical guidance. Either way, the decision belongs to the two of you, made honestly before God, and those who love you should respect it. And if anyone in your life has sickle cell disease, remember that they are a person of full worth and dignity, not a cautionary tale.
There is a principle in Proverbs that applies to all of these conversations: “A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself” (Proverbs 22:3). Prudence looks ahead and prepares. It is no lack of faith to get tested, to disclose, to plan and to ask hard questions. Faith and wisdom walk together. “If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that” (James 4:15). We plan humbly, knowing that God holds the future, but we do plan.
This year, one of the couples in Mrs Edem’s class was Jemila and her fiancé. When the cards were read aloud, there was a moment of silence after the third pair. One card said Two children, after I finish my master’s. The other said Four, starting immediately. A few questions later, one card said No relatives living with us. The other said My mother, permanently. And on the debt question, one card was blank. The other said, in small handwriting, About eight hundred thousand naira to loan apps.
Jemila’s face went still. Her fiancé looked at the floor.
They stayed behind afterwards, and Mrs Edem sat with them for two hours. It came out slowly. His widowed mother lived alone in Kaduna and had been unwell. He had been afraid to tell Jemila about the loans because he was ashamed; he had borrowed to help his mother’s hospital bills and the interest had piled up. Jemila admitted that she had never told him how strongly she felt about finishing her degree, because she was afraid he would think she did not want a family.
Over the next weeks, they kept talking, sometimes with Mrs Edem, sometimes alone. They moved the wedding back three months so that he could clear the worst of the debt, and Jemila helped him draw up a budget to do it. They agreed to find a small flat for his mother near their own, where they could visit and care for her without sharing a home. They agreed to talk about children again after her first year of study, and both said honestly that the number might change.
PunchlineOn the day of the wedding, Mrs Edem was sitting near the front. After the vows, Jemila caught her eye and mouthed two words: Thank you.
“They will still have arguments,” Mrs Edem told me later. “Everybody does. But they will not have to discover each other in the middle of a crisis. They sat down first and counted the cost. Now they can build.”
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- What picture of marriage did you bring from the home you grew up in? Which parts of it have you never examined or discussed?
- Which of the conversations in this article would you find most difficult to have? Why?
- Is there anything you have not told the person you are planning to marry that will affect their life? What is stopping you?
- How do you and your partner currently make decisions when you disagree? What would it look like to be “in honour preferring one another”?
- If you are already married, which of these conversations do you still need to have?
This Week
With your fiancé, set aside time this week to answer Mrs Edem’s questions separately on paper: children, where you will live, relatives, money and debts, work after children, church, decision-making and genotype. Then sit down together in a calm setting and compare your answers. Do not argue about the differences on the first evening. Simply listen, ask “why”, and write down the areas you need to talk about further. If you have not yet had your genotypes tested, book the test.
A Prayer
Father, thank You for the gift of marriage and for the person You have brought into my life. Give us the wisdom to sit down first and count the cost, and the courage to speak the truth in love. Help us to bring every hidden assumption into the light. Where I have hidden things out of fear or shame, give me grace to be honest. Teach us to listen deeply, to draw out each other’s hearts, and to honour one another above ourselves. Guide our conversations about faith, money, children, family and health, and help us to agree. Let our marriage be built on truth, on wise counsel and on You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.