Mrs Akinwale had taught Primary Five at the same school in Port Harcourt for nineteen years, and she had learnt to read children’s exercise books the way a doctor reads a chart. So when Ebi’s handwriting began to change in the second term, she noticed. He had always been one of her neatest pupils. Now his letters slanted and crowded each other. Words were crossed out so hard that the pen went through the page. He stopped putting up his hand.
One Friday afternoon, while the class was packing up, his schoolbag fell off the desk and a white envelope slid out across the floor. Mrs Akinwale picked it up to hand it back. It was sealed, and on the front, in an adult’s handwriting, were the words: For your father. Give it to him when he picks you up, and watch his face.
She asked Ebi to stay behind for a few minutes. He sat at the front desk swinging his legs and looking at the floor. Little by little, it came out. His parents had divorced the year before. He lived with his mother during the week and went to his father’s flat in Rumuola every other weekend. His mother often asked him, when he came back, whether “that woman” had been at his father’s place, what she wore, whether she cooked. His father, for his part, asked about his mother’s new car, and who had paid for it, and whether she went out in the evenings. Each of them gave him messages for the other. Sometimes the messages were papers. Sometimes they were things he was told to say.
Then Ebi looked up at his teacher and asked two questions she has never forgotten.
“Aunty, which one of them is lying?”
And then, more quietly: “Is it because of me that they don’t like each other?”
He was ten years old.
What children are made to carry
Divorce is a grief for children even when it is handled well. Their home changes. Their routines change. Often their school, their friends and their sense of safety change. But many children carry a heavier load than the divorce itself. They are recruited, without anyone quite meaning to, into the adults’ conflict.
Some become messengers, carrying papers, demands and insults between two houses. Some become spies, quizzed after every visit about the other parent’s life. Some become confidants, hearing in detail why the marriage failed and who was to blame. Some become judges, asked, openly or by implication, to decide which parent is right. Some become weapons, used to punish the other parent by withholding visits, cancelling plans or turning the child’s affections. None of these roles belongs to a child.
Scripture gives us a painful example of a parent who drew a child into a conflict with the other parent. When Isaac was old and blind and intended to bless Esau, Rebekah overheard and turned to her favourite son:
Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee. Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth: And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death.
“Obey my voice according to that which I command thee.” Rebekah used her authority as a mother to enlist Jacob in deceiving his own father. Jacob was uneasy. He feared that his father would feel him and he would “seem to him as a deceiver” (Genesis 27:12). His mother brushed it aside: “Upon me be thy curse, my son” (Genesis 27:13). The deception worked, but the cost was enormous. Esau vowed to kill his brother. Jacob fled the family home and did not see his mother again, as far as Scripture records. A household was torn apart, and a son carried the consequences of a quarrel that belonged to his parents.
Children who are drawn into adult conflict often carry it long into adult life. They may grow up anxious, always watching for the next argument. They may become people-pleasers, desperate to keep everyone happy. They may conclude that love is a battle with winners and losers. And very often, like Ebi, they quietly believe that the conflict is somehow their fault.
Jesus took children with the utmost seriousness. When His disciples were arguing about which of them was greatest, He did something unexpected:
And he took a child, and set him in the midst of them: and when he had taken him in his arms, he said unto them, Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me.
He set a child “in the midst of them.” In a world that often treated children as of little account, Jesus placed a child at the centre and said that to receive such a child in His name is to receive Him. A child is not a piece in an adult game. A child is a person whom Christ Himself welcomes, and whom He identifies with.
Provoke not your children
Paul gives fathers, and by extension all parents, a direct instruction:
And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
“Provoke not your children to wrath.” The Greek verb parorgizō means to rouse someone to anger, to exasperate them. In a parallel passage Paul says, “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). There the verb is erethizō, to stir up or irritate, and the result he warns against is athymeō, losing heart. A discouraged child is a child whose spirit has been crushed.
Nothing provokes and discourages a child quite like being caught between two parents he loves. He cannot win. If he enjoys his weekend with his father, he feels disloyal to his mother. If he tells his father what his mother said, he feels he has betrayed her. If he refuses to carry a message, someone is angry with him. Every road leads to guilt.
Paul does not stop at the negative command. He gives the positive: “bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Nurture translates paideia, the whole training and upbringing of a child. Admonition translates nouthesia, instruction and gentle correction by word. Both are to be “of the Lord,” shaped by His character and His ways. Divorce does not cancel this calling. Both parents are still called to raise their children well, even from two separate homes.
That means the most important question after a divorce is not “How do I win?” It is “How do I keep raising this child in the nurture of the Lord, given the situation we are now in?”
The mother who would not divide the child
One of the most famous judgements in Scripture concerned two women fighting over a child. They lived in the same house and had each given birth within days. One baby died in the night. Each woman claimed that the living child was hers. They came before King Solomon, each insisting on her right, and there were no witnesses to settle the matter. Then the king gave an astonishing command:
And the king said, Bring me a sword. And they brought a sword before the king. And the king said, Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other. Then spake the woman whose the living child was unto the king, for her bowels yearned upon her son, and she said, O my lord, give her the living child, and in no wise slay it. But the other said, Let it be neither mine nor thine, but divide it . Then the king answered and said, Give her the living child, and in no wise slay it: she is the mother thereof.
“Divide the living child in two.” Solomon was not truly going to harm the baby. He was testing their hearts. And the test worked. The real mother cried out at once, “give her the living child, and in no wise slay it.” The text says “her bowels yearned upon her son,” her whole being was moved with compassion. She would rather lose the argument than see her child destroyed. The other woman’s response was chilling: “Let it be neither mine nor thine, but divide it.” For her, winning mattered more than the child.
That story speaks with uncomfortable directness to many divorced parents. In the heat of conflict, it is possible to care more about defeating a former spouse than about the wellbeing of the child at the centre. Some parents fight for custody arrangements that suit their pride rather than their children’s needs. Some refuse reasonable requests simply because the other parent made them. Some would rather a child miss his father’s family wedding than let the father have his way. In effect, they are saying, “Divide the child.”
The true mother’s love showed itself in her willingness to give way. That is often the mark of a parent who genuinely loves after a divorce. He or she is willing to lose a point, to give up a weekend, to swallow a sharp reply, to accept an arrangement that is not perfectly fair, for the sake of the child.
PunchlineThe parent who truly loves will often be the one willing to lose the argument rather than see the child torn in two.
This does not mean that a parent should give way on matters of safety, or allow a child to be harmed. We will come to that. But on the thousand ordinary matters of shared parenting, the question is always: what does this child need?
Look on the things of others
Paul’s words to the Philippians were written to a church, not to a divorced couple. Yet they describe exactly the mindset that protects children after a marriage has ended:
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory.” The word for strife, eritheia, means selfish ambition, a spirit of rivalry. Vainglory is empty conceit, the desire to be seen to be right. Both are powerful after a divorce. There is the temptation to prove that you were the injured party, that your former spouse was the problem, that your home is the better home.
“Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.” The things of others include, above all, the things of your children. Their needs, their feelings, their relationships with the other parent, their sense of security.
Paul then points to the pattern: “Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 2:5). Christ laid aside His rights and took the form of a servant for our sake. A Christian parent after divorce is called to the same mindset: to lay aside the right to win, and to serve the good of the child.
In practice, this might mean some very concrete things. Speak respectfully about the other parent in front of your children, even when you feel no respect. Never ask your child to carry messages; communicate directly with the other adult, by message or email if face-to-face is too difficult. Never quiz your child about the other home. If a child volunteers information, listen, but do not interrogate. Never make your child choose. Do not ask, “Who do you want to live with?” as a test of loyalty, and do not make him feel he has to protect your feelings when he enjoys time with the other parent. Keep your own grief, anger and loneliness for adult friends, counsellors and God. Your child is not your confidant.
Mrs Akinwale asked each of Ebi’s parents to come to the school separately. She showed each of them the exercise book and told them, gently, what Ebi had asked her. His mother wept. His father was silent for a long time and then said, “I didn’t know he was carrying all this.”
NuggetNeither of them had set out to harm their son. Both had simply been looking on their own things.
Truthful and age-appropriate communication
Children need the truth. They also need it in a form they can carry. Getting this balance right is one of the most important tasks of parenting after divorce.
First, children need to know that the divorce is not their fault. This needs saying clearly, more than once, and in words a child can understand. “Mummy and Daddy are not going to live together any more. That is a decision grown-ups made. It is not because of anything you did or said. Nothing you could have done would have changed it. We both love you, and that will not change.”
Second, children need honest information about what will happen to them. Where will they live? When will they see each parent? Will they change school? Will they still see their grandparents? Uncertainty breeds anxiety. Clear, predictable answers help a child feel safe.
Third, children do not need adult details. A six-year-old does not need to know about an affair, a debt or a court hearing. A teenager may eventually need some explanation, but even then, it should be truthful without being a weapon. “Your father made some choices that broke our marriage” is very different from a detailed list of his failures delivered in anger. Paul’s counsel to all believers applies here: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying” (Ephesians 4:29).
Fourth, avoid lying. Children usually discover the truth eventually, and if they find that a parent has deceived them, trust is badly damaged. “I can’t tell you everything about that yet, because some of it is grown-up business, but I will always tell you the truth” is far better than a comforting falsehood.
Fifth, where possible, tell children important things together. If both parents can sit down with their children and explain the divorce or a major change in the same words, the children are spared the confusion of conflicting stories. Where that is not possible, try to agree on the main message beforehand.
Children will also need room to express their own feelings, including anger, sadness and fear. Do not rush them out of their grief. And remember that many children, especially younger ones, show their distress in behaviour rather than words: bedwetting, tantrums, falling grades, withdrawal. Ebi’s handwriting was his way of telling the truth about what was happening inside him.
Consistent care across two homes
Children thrive on consistency. After a divorce, their world has been shaken. The more predictable and reliable the adults can make it, the faster they find their feet.
That means keeping promises. If you say you will pick them up at five on Friday, be there at five. If you cannot come, tell the other parent in good time, and tell the child honestly. A child who waits by the gate for a parent who does not come learns that he is not important.
It means, as far as possible, similar rules and routines in both homes. Bedtimes, homework, screen time and church attendance need not be identical. Even so, children are helped when parents agree on the main things. Where parents disagree, it is better to say to the child, “In this house we do it this way,” than to criticise the other house.
It means resisting the temptation to compete. Some parents, especially those who see their children less often, try to make every visit a treat, with outings, gifts and no rules. Others try to prove they are the “serious” parent by being stricter. Neither helps. Children need ordinary life in both homes: meals, chores, homework, prayer, rest.
It means both parents showing up for the big moments wherever that is safe and possible. A school prize-giving, a church dedication, a graduation: children are deeply helped when both parents can be in the same room, behaving civilly, focused on them.
And it means caring for the child’s wider relationships. Grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins on both sides are part of the child’s world. Unless there are genuine concerns for safety, children should not lose half their family because their parents divorced.
Repairing what has already been damaged
Some parents reading this will feel a heavy weight of regret. You recognise yourself in Rebekah, or in the woman who said “divide it.” You have sent messages through your children. You have cried on their shoulders about their father. You have asked your daughter questions about her mother’s new husband that no child should have to answer. Perhaps your children are now teenagers or adults, and you can see the marks it has left.
Hear the gospel first. Christ did not come for parents who got everything right. He came for sinners, and there is “therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). Your failure as a parent is real, but it is not beyond His forgiveness, and it is not beyond His power to heal. The same grace that forgives you also equips you to begin doing things differently today.
Then take responsibility with your children. Children are remarkably responsive to a parent who says honestly, “I was wrong.” Choose a calm moment. Name what you did, in words suited to their age. “I asked you to carry messages to Daddy, and I asked you questions about his house. That was not fair to you. It was my job to talk to him, not yours. I am sorry, and I am going to stop.” Do not add a list of reasons why you did it, and do not turn the apology into another complaint about the other parent. Simply own your part.
Then keep your word. An apology followed by the same behaviour the next weekend will deepen a child’s distrust. An apology followed by months of steady change can begin to undo years of damage. Children, like adults, believe what they see repeated.
If your children are older, be patient with their responses. Some will be relieved. Some will be angry, perhaps for the first time openly, because at last it feels safe to say how much it hurt. Let them say it. Their anger is not a sign that your apology failed. Often it is a sign that it is working, that a buried wound is finally being opened to the air where it can heal.
And if the damage is deep, get help. A Christian counsellor who works with children and families can help a child process what he has been carrying, and can help you as a parent learn new patterns. There is no shame in asking. The shame would be in knowing your child is struggling and doing nothing.
God is the Father “of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named” (Ephesians 3:15). He is not finished with your family because your marriage ended. He is able to bring healing to children who have been hurt, and to give parents who have failed a new beginning in how they love them.
When the other parent will not co-operate, and when there is danger
Not every former spouse will respond well. Some will keep sending messages through the children however often you ask them not to. Some will speak badly of you. Some will break agreements or try to turn the children against you.
Paul’s counsel is realistic: “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18). You cannot control the other parent. You can control yourself. Refuse to retaliate in kind. Keep your own words and conduct clean. Communicate with the other adult directly, calmly and in writing if that helps. Document agreements. Where co-operation is impossible, many families find a more limited approach helpful, sometimes called parallel parenting, in which each parent runs his or her own home with minimal direct contact, following a clear written schedule. Mediation, family counselling or the courts may sometimes be needed to set fair arrangements.
There is also a more serious situation. Sometimes the conflict is not only bitter but dangerous. If a parent is violent, abusive, abusing drugs or alcohol in ways that endanger the child, or if there is any concern of physical, sexual or emotional abuse, the child’s safety must come first. That is not a matter on which to give way for the sake of peace. Report concerns to the police, to child protection services and to appropriate professionals. Courts can order supervised contact or restrict access where a child is at risk. Take advice from a lawyer and from qualified professionals.
At the same time, be honest with yourself. Do not use allegations of danger as a weapon in a custody battle. Genuine safeguarding concerns must be taken seriously. False ones do terrible harm to children and to the people falsely accused.
Above all, keep reassuring your child that he is loved, by God and by you. Many children of divorce have taken comfort in the words of David:
When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
Even when human parents fail, and every parent fails in some measure, the Lord takes His children up. Teach your children that, in word and in example. Let them know that their security rests finally in the God who never leaves.
It took months, but things did change for Ebi. His mother and father met with a family counsellor recommended by their church, and for the first time since the divorce they agreed on some ground rules. No messages through Ebi. No questions about the other home. A shared calendar on their phones for school events and visits. They agreed to sit together, at opposite ends of the row but in the same row, at his end-of-year prize-giving.
His father told him, on one of his weekends, “Ebi, you don’t have to carry any more papers. If Mummy and I need to talk, we will talk to each other.” His mother told him the same thing in almost the same words, which made Ebi laugh, because it sounded rehearsed. It was.
Near the end of the third term, Mrs Akinwale was marking the class compositions. The topic was “My Family.” Ebi had written two pages, in neat, upright letters. He wrote about his mother’s jollof rice and his father’s terrible football jokes. He wrote about his grandmother in Yenagoa. And near the end, he wrote one line that she underlined in red with a small tick beside it.
PunchlineMy parents do not live together, but they both came to my prize-giving, and I am not in the middle any more.
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- In what ways, if any, have your children been made to act as messengers, spies, confidants or judges in your conflict with their other parent?
- How does Solomon’s judgement challenge you about the difference between winning an argument and protecting your child?
- What would it look like for you to “look on the things of others,” specifically the things of your children, this week?
- How have you explained the divorce to your children? Is there anything you need to say more clearly, or anything you need to stop saying?
- Where do you need to seek help, whether mediation, counselling or protection, so that your children can be safe and secure?
This Week
This week, make a quiet commitment to stop using your children as messengers. Write down any messages you would normally send through them and send them directly to the other parent instead, calmly and in writing if necessary. Then sit down with each child and tell them, in your own words, that the divorce is not their fault, that both their parents love them, and that they do not need to carry adult problems. If you have any genuine concern about your child’s safety, contact the appropriate authorities or a qualified professional this week.
A Prayer
Heavenly Father, You see my children and You love them more than I do. Forgive me for the times I have put them in the middle of my pain and my quarrels. Give me the heart of the mother who would rather lose than see her child divided. Help me to speak truthfully, gently and wisely to my children, and to keep my anger and grief for You and for the people You have given me to help carry them. Give me grace toward my children’s other parent, and wisdom where there is danger. Be a Father to my children when we fail them, and take them up in Your arms. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.