Simi had rehearsed the moment all afternoon. When the call came from head office, her hands had shaken so much that she had to put the phone on the desk and use the speaker. After eleven years at the bank, they were offering her the role of regional head for the northern operations, based in Abuja. It was the promotion she had worked for since her first week as a graduate trainee. She bought suya on the way home because Kola loved it, and she waited until the children had finished their homework and gone upstairs.
Then she told him. She was smiling so widely that she could barely get the words out.
Kola did not smile back. He sat very still for a moment. Then he said, “Abuja. And what happens to my business?”
He had built a small logistics company in Apapa over ten years, starting with one rented truck. Most of his clients were in Lagos. His mother, widowed two years earlier, lived fifteen minutes away and relied on him for almost everything. Their children were settled in school in Lekki.
Simi’s smile went. “So that is the first thing you think about. Your business.”
“I am asking a reasonable question.”
Punchline“I turned down my MBA place in London so that you could start that business. Do you remember that? I have been the one adjusting for eleven years.”
“And who paid the school fees when the bank froze promotions in 2020?”
They went to bed without finishing. For the next ten days, they were scrupulously polite. Kola left for Apapa before six and came home after nine. Simi stopped asking about his day. The suya sat in the fridge until someone threw it away. Both of them were rehearsing arguments in their heads, adding to a list of sacrifices that each was sure was longer than the other’s. Neither of them was thinking any more about Abuja. They were thinking about who was the better spouse.
When a disagreement becomes a contest
Every marriage has disagreements. Two people with different histories, temperaments, families and callings cannot share a life without them. A disagreement in itself is not a sign that something has gone badly wrong. It is a sign that two real people are trying to make one life together.
What destroys marriages is what happens when a disagreement turns into a contest. The question shifts from what should we do? to which of us is right, and which of us has given up more? At that point, the actual problem is forgotten. Every conversation becomes another round in a fight about worth, and each spouse needs to win to feel secure.
James asks a penetrating question about the source of this kind of fighting:
From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.
“From whence come wars and fightings among you?” James does not blame circumstances. He looks inside. “Come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?” The word translated lusts refers to desires of every kind, including perfectly ordinary ones: the desire to be respected, to be recognised, to have one’s sacrifices acknowledged, to feel secure. These desires are not always wrong in themselves. The trouble comes when they rule us, so that we fight for them instead of bringing them to God and to each other honestly.
Notice the last phrase: “ye have not, because ye ask not.” Underneath many marital battles lies a request that was never made plainly. Simi wanted Kola to say, I am proud of you. You deserve this. Kola wanted Simi to say, I know how much your business and your mother mean to you. We will not throw them away. Neither asked. Each fought instead.
The first step in resolving conflict is often recognising what is happening in your own heart. What do I want so badly that I am willing to wound my spouse to get it? That question is uncomfortable. It is also the beginning of freedom.
Anger that does not sin
Paul writes some of the most practical words in the New Testament about anger: “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27).
“Be ye angry, and sin not.” Paul does not say that anger is always sinful. He is quoting Psalm 4:4, and he recognises that there is a right kind of anger, the kind that responds to genuine wrong. Simi’s hurt at being treated as though her calling did not matter was understandable. Kola’s fear for his business and his mother was real. Feeling strongly about these things was not the problem.
The sin lies in what anger does when it is given its head. It exaggerates. It brings up old wounds as weapons. It speaks in order to hurt. It sulks for days. It forgets that the person across the table is someone you love.
“Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Paul sets a time limit. That does not mean every disagreement must be resolved before you sleep. Some decisions, like whether to move a family to Abuja, cannot be made in one evening. But the hostility should not be carried overnight. Couples can learn to say, “We have not settled this yet, but I am not your enemy. We will continue tomorrow.” That keeps the problem open without letting the anger harden.
“Neither give place to the devil.” The word place means a foothold, an area of ground. Unresolved anger gives the enemy territory in a marriage. Ten days of polite silence in Kola and Simi’s house was ten days of ground handed over. Suspicion grew. Old grievances multiplied. Each began to interpret every small thing the other did as evidence of selfishness. That is how a single disagreement can slowly become a broken relationship.
Turning a contest into a problem
NuggetThe most important shift in healthy conflict is this: you stop facing each other as opponents and turn to face the problem together.
That sounds simple, but it changes the whole conversation. “You always put your career first” is an attack on a person. “How do we honour both of our callings and still care for the children and your mother?” is a problem to be solved. The first question has a winner and a loser. The second has a shared answer, or at least a shared search for one.
Abram shows us something of this spirit. When his herdsmen and Lot’s herdsmen began to quarrel over pasture, he went to his nephew and said, “Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren” (Genesis 13:8). The land was limited, and the dispute was real. But Abram refused to let the problem define the relationship. We be brethren. He named what they were to each other before he dealt with what divided them.
The solution Abram and Lot reached was to part ways, which is not a pattern for husbands and wives. What we take from him is the order: relationship first, then the problem. A husband and wife in conflict need to say, in effect, we are one flesh. We belong to each other. Now let us look at this difficulty together.
One practical help is to write the problem down, in words both spouses agree with. Kola and Simi’s eventually read like this: Simi has been offered a role in Abuja that is a real calling and opportunity. Kola’s business and his mother are in Lagos. The children are settled in school. How do we decide what is best for our whole family? Seeing it written as a shared question took some of the heat out of it. It was no longer her promotion against his business. It was their decision.
It also helps to recognise that not every disagreement is the same kind. Some are decisions that must be made by a certain date, like the Abuja offer. Others are lasting differences of temperament and upbringing that will never be settled once and for all. One spouse likes to plan every naira of a holiday and the other prefers to see what happens. One was raised in a home where visitors could arrive unannounced at any hour, and the other needs warning. These differences do not need a winner. They need understanding, humour and workable arrangements that are revisited from time to time. Couples waste a great deal of energy trying to win arguments that were never meant to be won, only lived with graciously.
Looking on the things of others
Paul wrote to the Philippians, a church he loved, which was nonetheless troubled by disagreements. Two women in the congregation, Euodias and Syntyche, had fallen out badly enough that Paul names them in the letter (Philippians 4:2). Earlier, he lays the foundation for resolving such conflicts:
If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.
“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory.” Strife is selfish ambition, the urge to get my way. Vainglory is empty conceit, the need to look good and be seen to be right. Both are deadly in a marriage, because they turn every disagreement into a battle for status.
“In lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.” This does not mean pretending that your spouse is always right or that your own view has no value. It means approaching the other person with humility, treating their concerns as weightier than your own pride.
“Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.” Notice the word also. Paul does not say that your own interests do not matter. Simi’s calling mattered. Kola’s business mattered. But each of them needed to look also, and seriously, at what the other was carrying. When Kola finally asked Simi what this promotion meant to her, beyond the salary and the title, she told him that for years she had felt that her work was the thing that always bent around his. When Simi asked Kola what he was afraid of, he admitted that he feared failing his mother the way he felt he had failed his father in his last illness. Neither had known.
“Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.” Paul goes on to describe how the Son of God emptied Himself and took the form of a servant. That is the pattern for conflict in a Christian marriage. Christ did not cling to His rights. He looked on our things, at great cost to Himself. When both spouses begin to bring that mind into a disagreement, the atmosphere changes.
PunchlineA disagreement does not have to decide who is the better spouse. It is a problem to be understood and faced together, by two people who belong to each other.
Listening before deciding
Many couples try to make decisions before they have understood each other. They argue about solutions, Abuja or Lagos, when they have not yet heard what lies underneath each other’s positions.
Responsible conflict resolution has an order. First, each spouse explains what they are feeling and what concerns them, while the other listens without interrupting or correcting. Then the listener says back what they have heard, until the speaker agrees: yes, that is what I mean. Only then do they swap. Only after both have been understood do they begin looking at options.
This can feel slow. Kola and Simi had to sit down three times over two weeks before they both felt heard. But once they did, the options looked different. Simi had assumed that Kola would never consider any change. Kola had assumed that Simi would not accept anything short of moving the family immediately. Both assumptions were wrong.
When they began listing possibilities, there were more than they had thought. Simi could decline the role. She could ask the bank to delay her start by a year. The family could move to Abuja and Kola could open a branch there. Simi could take the role and commute weekly, with the children staying in Lagos for the school year. There might be other arrangements they had not yet imagined. Each option had costs. Each would ask something of both of them. But looking at them together, as partners, was entirely different from fighting about them as rivals.
Children deserve a thought here too. They notice far more than we imagine, and the ten silent days in Kola and Simi’s home were not lost on their son and daughter. Couples need not hide every disagreement from their children, and there is value in a child seeing parents disagree respectfully and then reach a decision. But children should never be recruited to one side, used as messengers or made to listen to contempt. And when they have witnessed a quarrel, they should also be allowed to see the repair. A father who says to his children, “Mummy and I spoke badly to each other the other day, and we have apologised and sorted it out,” is teaching them something they will carry into their own marriages.
The wisdom that is from above
James contrasts two kinds of wisdom that people bring to their decisions:
Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom. But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. For where envying and strife is , there is confusion and every evil work. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.
The wisdom that “descendeth not from above” is marked by “bitter envying and strife.” It is the wisdom of the contest. It may be clever and well argued, but James calls it “earthly, sensual, devilish,” and its fruit is “confusion and every evil work.” Decisions made in that spirit usually leave one spouse feeling defeated and resentful, and the issue returns again and again.
The wisdom from above has a very different character. It is “first pure,” free of hidden agendas. It is “peaceable,” seeking peace instead of victory. It is “gentle,” reasonable and considerate. It is “easy to be intreated,” willing to listen and be persuaded. It is “full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.”
That phrase easy to be intreated is worth dwelling on. It describes a person who can actually be persuaded. Many of us enter a disagreement having already decided that we will not change our minds. Heavenly wisdom stays open. It expects that God may be speaking through my spouse.
“And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.” Good decisions grow in peaceful soil. A couple who make peace in the way they discuss a problem will reap better decisions than a couple who reach the right answer through bitter strife.
How should a couple decide when they still disagree after listening and praying? Sincere Christians answer slightly differently, depending on how they understand headship. Those who hold a complementarian view believe that the husband carries a final responsibility before God to make a decision when the couple cannot agree, after he has listened carefully and weighed his wife’s concerns as his own. Those who hold an egalitarian view believe that husband and wife should keep seeking agreement together, perhaps with wise counsel, until they reach a decision they can both own. Both views agree on the essential point. No decision should be imposed by domination, and no spouse should be steamrollered into silence. Servant headship, where it is exercised, looks like Christ, who gave Himself for His bride.
Practically, wise decisions in marriage usually involve prayer together, honest discussion of options, counsel from people who know you, a decision both can live with, and an agreement to review it. “Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established” (Proverbs 15:22).
Putting away bitterness
Even when a decision is made, a conflict can leave wounds. Words were spoken that should not have been. Old sacrifices were thrown in each other’s faces. Ten days of coldness hurt. These need attention, or they will poison the next disagreement. Paul continues in Ephesians 4:
And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
“Grieve not the holy Spirit of God.” The Holy Spirit dwells in each believing spouse, and He is grieved by the way we treat one another. Conflict in a marriage is never only a private matter between two people. It touches our fellowship with God.
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.” Paul lists the residue that conflict leaves behind. Bitterness is the resentment that settles in. Clamour is shouting. Evil speaking is speaking against someone, including complaining about your spouse to your friends, your siblings or your mother. Malice is the desire to see the other person hurt. All of it is to be put away, deliberately, like rubbish taken out of the house.
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” After the conflict comes repair. Kindness returns, tenderness is restored and both spouses take responsibility for the wrongs they committed. A simple apology is often the most powerful step: I am sorry I brought up the MBA like a weapon. I am sorry I made you feel your calling did not matter. Forgiveness itself is a great subject and deserves its own careful teaching. Here it is enough to say that the God who has forgiven us in Christ gives us both the reason and the grace to repair what conflict has damaged.
When you need help from outside
Some disagreements cannot be resolved by the couple alone. That is not a failure. It is part of wisdom. Jesus gave His disciples a pattern for dealing with wrongs between believers:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
Jesus’ first step is private: “go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone.” Many marital conflicts should begin, and end, there. But Jesus also recognises that sometimes two people cannot resolve things alone, and He provides for bringing in “one or two more.” In marriage, the principle is that wise, trustworthy outside help is sometimes necessary, and should be sought in a careful, limited way.
When might a couple need that help? When the same argument keeps coming back, month after month, without progress. When one or both spouses feel unable to speak honestly. When contempt, constant criticism or long silences have become patterns. When there is infidelity, addiction or serious financial deception. When the decision before you is so large that you need the counsel of people with more experience.
Who should you go to? A mature Christian couple who have walked through their own difficulties and can be trusted to keep confidences. A pastor who knows you both. A qualified Christian counsellor, especially where there are deeper wounds or mental health struggles. “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14).
There are also people you should usually not go to first. In our culture, conflicts are often taken straight to the extended family, and suddenly mothers, uncles and in-laws are involved, sometimes on opposite sides. This can turn a disagreement between two people into a feud between two families. Nor should marital conflicts be aired on social media or in a family WhatsApp group. Choose counsel that will help the marriage, not people who will take sides.
And one situation requires a different response altogether. If a disagreement ever involves violence, threats, sexual coercion or intimidation, it is no longer a conflict to be resolved by better listening. It is abuse. Do not wait for a counsellor’s appointment. Seek safety first, then help from the police, a doctor, a trusted pastor or the domestic violence services available where you live. God does not require anyone to remain in danger in order to preserve peace.
Kola and Simi went to see an older couple from their church, people who had spent four years living in different cities when the husband was posted to Port Harcourt. They did not give a verdict. They asked questions, told the truth about what that season had cost them, and prayed with the younger couple.
In the end, Kola and Simi decided together that she would accept the role, but only after the bank agreed to delay her start until the end of the school term. For the first year, she would fly to Abuja on Monday mornings and come home on Thursday nights, while the children stayed in Lagos. Kola would take over the school runs, with his mother’s help, and reduce his hours at the depot. They wrote the arrangement on a single sheet of paper and stuck it on the fridge, along with a date three months ahead: Review together.
The review came, and it was not easy. The children were finding the weeks without their mother hard. Kola was more tired than he had admitted. Simi felt guilty and stretched. For a moment, the old voices returned: you wanted this; I warned you. Then Kola reached for the sheet on the fridge and put it on the table between them. “This is our problem,” he said. “Not yours. Not mine. Let us look at it.”
They adjusted the arrangement. Simi negotiated to work from Lagos every other Friday. Kola hired a supervisor for the depot. It was not perfect. But they had learned something more valuable than the right answer to one question. They had learned that they could disagree deeply and still be on the same side.
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- Think about a recent disagreement in your marriage. At what point did it shift from a problem to be solved into a contest about who was right?
- James says, “ye have not, because ye ask not.” What do you want from your spouse in your conflicts that you have never asked for plainly?
- How do you handle anger in your marriage? Does the sun often go down on your wrath?
- How could you put Philippians 2:4 into practice in a current disagreement? What are the “things of others” that you need to look at more seriously?
- Is there a recurring conflict in your marriage that may need wise outside help? Who would be the right person to approach?
This Week
Choose one unresolved disagreement in your marriage this week. Sit down together and write the problem as a single shared question, using words you both agree with, beginning “How do we...?” Then take turns explaining your concerns while the other listens and summarises, without proposing solutions. Only after you have both been understood, list every option you can think of. You do not have to decide immediately. Simply practise facing the problem side by side.
A Prayer
Lord Jesus, You did not cling to Your rights but humbled Yourself and became a servant for my sake. Give me that same mind in my marriage. Show me the desires in my heart that make me fight, and teach me to ask honestly instead. Help me to be angry without sinning, and do not let the sun go down on my wrath. Fill our home with the wisdom from above: pure, peaceable, gentle and easy to be intreated. Where we need help, give us humility to seek it. Where there is bitterness, help us to put it away, and make us kind and tenderhearted to one another, as You have been to us. Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.