When Chukwudi bought his daughter her first smartphone, he did everything the articles recommended. Ugochi was thirteen. He set up parental controls. He made a list of rules and stuck it on the fridge in their flat in Port Harcourt: no phone at the dinner table, no phone in the bedroom after nine o’clock, no new apps without asking, no chatting with anyone she had not met in person. He checked the settings every few weeks. To his relief, she kept the rules almost perfectly.
A year later, his wife found Ugochi crying in the bathroom on a Sunday afternoon. It took a long time to get the story out of her, and when it came, it was not what either parent had feared. Nobody had sent her anything dangerous. She had not been talking to strangers. She had simply been posting pictures of herself, and then deleting the ones that did not get enough likes within the first hour. She had been doing it for months. A girl in her class had more than two thousand followers, and Ugochi had begun to feel, every time she opened the app, that she was not pretty enough, not interesting enough and not wanted enough.
Chukwudi was stunned. He had guarded the door of the phone carefully. He had never thought to ask what was happening in his daughter’s heart while she held it.
That evening at dinner he tried to talk to her about it. He spoke for a while about self-worth and comparison and how social media is not real life. Ugochi listened politely. Then she said quietly, “Daddy, you were looking at your phone the whole time I was telling Mummy about my day.”
He looked down. His phone was lying face up beside his plate, a football highlights video paused in the middle of a goal.
What a rule cannot do
Every Christian parent of a teenager today is raising a child in a world their own parents never had to think about. Most of us grew up with a landline, a television that went off when NEPA took the light, and friends we saw at school and church. Our teenagers carry the whole world in their pockets. Their friendships, their humour, their sense of what is normal and what is beautiful are shaped in large part through a screen.
Rules matter. Chukwudi’s rules were good ones, and I would encourage most families to have something similar. Limits on time, places and apps give a young person structure while their judgement is still developing. But a rule about a device cannot answer every question a teenager faces online. Technology changes faster than any list on the fridge. A clever teenager can find a way round almost any parental control. And most of the important things happen in places a rule cannot reach: the heart’s hunger to be noticed, the fear of being left out, the judgement needed when a friend sends something they should not.
We should also resist panic. Social media is not demonic in itself. It is a place, a bit like a large market. In a market you can buy food for your family, meet old friends, learn a trade and hear the gospel preached from the back of a lorry. You can also be cheated, pickpocketed, or lured into a back street. Teenagers use these platforms to keep in touch with cousins in London and Houston, to learn skills, to make music and art, and to encourage one another in their faith. There are also real dangers: comparison, sleeplessness, explicit material, bullying, scams, and adults who seek to exploit the young. A parent who only sees the dangers will forbid everything and drive it underground. A parent who sees only the benefits will be naive. Wisdom keeps both in view.
PunchlineThe task is bigger than controlling a device. It is shaping a young person who can live wisely in a world full of devices.
All things are lawful
Paul had to deal with Christians in Corinth who had a slogan. When challenged about their behaviour, they would answer, “All things are lawful.” Paul’s response is remarkably useful for families:
All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.
Paul does not argue with the slogan directly. Instead he adds two questions to it. The first is whether a thing is expedient, meaning beneficial or helpful. A thing may be permitted and still not be good for you. The second is whether it will bring you “under the power” of itself. In Greek there is a play on words. The word for lawful is related to the word for authority, and the phrase “brought under the power” uses the same root. Paul is saying, in effect, “Everything is in my power, but I will not let anything have power over me.”
Later in the same letter he adds a third question: “All things are lawful for me, but all things edify not” (1 Corinthians 10:23). Does this build up?
These three questions are far more useful for a teenager than a long list of rules, because he can carry them into situations no rule anticipated. Is this app permitted? Perhaps. But is it good for me? Is it building me up? And is it starting to have power over me? A young person who checks his phone forty times before lunch, who cannot sleep without scrolling, or who feels anxious when he is away from a particular platform, has not necessarily broken a rule. But something has begun to master him.
Teach your teenagers to ask these questions. Better still, ask them aloud yourself about your own habits, so they hear what it sounds like.
Keep thy heart
The book of Proverbs is largely a father’s instruction to his son, given as the boy approaches adulthood. One passage reads almost like a guide to life with a phone:
My son, attend to my words; incline thine ear unto my sayings. Let them not depart from thine eyes; keep them in the midst of thine heart. For they are life unto those that find them, and health to all their flesh. Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Put away from thee a froward mouth, and perverse lips put far from thee. Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee. Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established. Turn not to the right hand nor to the left: remove thy foot from evil.
Look at the parts of the body the father mentions. The ear: “incline thine ear unto my sayings.” The eyes: “Let thine eyes look right on.” The mouth: “Put away from thee a froward mouth.” The feet: “Ponder the path of thy feet.” And at the centre of it all, the heart: “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”
That list maps neatly onto a teenager’s online life. What are you listening to? What are you looking at? What are you saying, posting and commenting? Where are you going, which spaces and groups and conversations? Each of those things flows both ways. What enters through the eyes and ears shapes the heart, and what is in the heart comes out through the mouth and the feet.
In Hebrew thought, the heart includes the emotions and much more besides. It is the centre of the whole person: thinking, desiring, choosing. The word translated issues refers to the sources or outlets, the places from which things flow out. The father is telling his son that his whole life will flow from what he allows to take root inside him. So guard it. “With all diligence” could be rendered “above all that you guard.”
Filters and controls can help guard the door. Only a heart that has learned to value what is good can guard itself when the filters are not there. Jesus made the same connection between what we look at and what we become. “The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light” (Matthew 6:22). A single eye is one that is focused, undivided, fixed on what is good. A teenager who spends hours each night looking at images designed to make him envious, anxious or aroused will find that those images do not stay on the screen. They come with him into school, into his friendships and into his prayers. The psalmist’s prayer is a good one to teach young people: “Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way” (Psalm 119:37).
That is why the father in Proverbs does more than give orders. He keeps talking. “My son, attend to my words.” He is building something inside the boy that will remain when the boy is out of his sight.
The desire to belong
When Ugochi deleted the pictures that did not get enough likes, she was not being shallow. She was expressing one of the deepest needs of adolescence: to belong, to be seen, to be wanted. Every generation of teenagers has felt it. The difference now is that social media turns that need into a visible score, updated by the minute and displayed publicly.
You cannot argue a teenager out of wanting to belong. That desire is God-given. What you can do is help them find where true belonging is found.
The first place is God’s own verdict about them, spoken before any follower ever clicked:
For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
“I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” David says these words before anyone has evaluated him. They are a statement about the God who formed him in secret. In Christ, a young person has a further word spoken over them: God “hath made us accepted in the beloved” (Ephesians 1:6). Their acceptance does not depend on likes, followers or comments, and it cannot be withdrawn by a hostile group chat.
This matters because the desire for approval, left unchecked, can quietly take the place of God. Paul asked the Galatians, “do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10). A young person who has learned to live for the crowd’s applause will one day find it very hard to stand against the crowd. Teaching them that they are already accepted by God is far more than a comforting thought. It gives them the freedom to say no.
The second place of belonging is the home. A teenager who feels noticed, enjoyed and listened to at home is far less desperate for approval from strangers. That does not mean constant intensity. It means small and dependable things: a father who asks about the football match she played, a mother who laughs at her jokes, parents who put their phones down when she starts talking.
The third place is real friendship. “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed” (Proverbs 13:20). Teenagers need friends who share their values, and the church has a vital part to play in providing them. A youth fellowship where young people genuinely know and enjoy one another can do more to protect a teenager online than any app.
NuggetYou cannot argue a teenager out of wanting to belong. You can show them where true belonging is found, and you can make your home one of those places.
Walk circumspectly
Paul gives this instruction to the church in Ephesus:
See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is .
The word circumspectly translates a Greek word meaning carefully or accurately. The picture is of someone walking with their eyes open, looking around, watching where they put their feet. “Redeeming the time” uses a word from the marketplace, meaning to buy up or buy back. Wise people seize the opportunities of each day, because “the days are evil.” Then Paul adds the positive aim: “understanding what the will of the Lord is.”
That is what judgement under pressure looks like. Teenagers online will face moments that require an instant decision: a picture arrives that should not have been sent, a friend in a group chat is being mocked, a stranger messages with a flattering offer, someone asks for a photograph. In those moments, there is no time to consult a parent. The judgement has to be already formed.
So practise it in advance. Talk through scenarios at the dinner table, in the car, on the way to church. “What would you do if someone in your class shared a picture of another girl that was meant to be private?” “What would you say if a man you have never met offered to pay for your data in exchange for a photo?” “How would you know if a news story on WhatsApp was false?” The goal is to discuss, not to frighten. Let them come up with answers. Add your own wisdom gently.
Some dangers deserve plain mention. There are criminals who target teenagers, sometimes pretending to be young people themselves, persuading them to send images and then threatening to share them unless money is paid. Teenagers caught in this often feel so ashamed that they tell no one. Tell your children now, before anything happens: if you ever receive a threat like this, come to me immediately, and I will help you, and you will not be punished for telling me. Many families also agree on a simple code, a word or a message a teenager can send when they need to get out of a situation without embarrassment, with the understanding that the parent will come and ask questions later.
“The simple believeth every word: but the prudent man looketh well to his going” (Proverbs 14:15). Teach your teenagers to be prudent: to check before they believe, to think before they post, and to remember that what goes online usually stays online.
“Redeeming the time” also has a positive side that we should not miss. Wise use of technology is more than avoiding harm. Some of the most hopeful young people I know are using the same platforms that trouble their parents to learn coding, design and music, to start small businesses, to tutor younger students and to share the gospel with their friends in ways their parents never could. A teenager in Ibadan teaching herself graphic design from free videos is redeeming the time. So is a youth group that runs a prayer chat at exam season. Encourage your children to become creators and contributors online, people who add something good to the market, and not only consumers of whatever the algorithm offers them next.
Daniel at the king’s table
The book of Daniel opens with a group of young men taken from their homes to a foreign capital, given new names, offered the king’s food and trained in the culture of Babylon. Many scholars believe Daniel was probably still in his teens. Everything around him was designed to help him fit in and forget where he came from. Then this:
But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the king’s meat, nor with the wine which he drank: therefore he requested of the prince of the eunuchs that he might not defile himself.
“Daniel purposed in his heart.” The decision was made before the moment of pressure, and it was made in the heart. That is the same place the father in Proverbs told his son to guard.
Notice too how Daniel acted. He did not rage against the system or make a scene. “He requested of the prince of the eunuchs.” He spoke respectfully and proposed a wise alternative: “Prove thy servants, I beseech thee, ten days” (Daniel 1:12). His conviction was firm, and his manner was gracious.
And Daniel was not alone. Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah stood with him. It is very hard for a young person to hold a conviction against a whole group alone. It is much easier when they have even one or two friends who share it.
What Daniel needed in Babylon is what our teenagers need online: a heart that has decided in advance, the wisdom to act graciously, and companions who walk the same way. Parents cannot be in the king’s court with their children. But they can help form, long before the court, the heart that will stand there.
The parent’s phone is the first lesson
When Ugochi pointed at her father’s phone, she was telling him something every parent needs to hear. Children learn more from what we do than from what we say, and that is especially true with technology.
David wrote a psalm that sounds almost like a family technology agreement:
I will behave myself wisely in a perfect way. O when wilt thou come unto me? I will walk within my house with a perfect heart. I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me.
“I will walk within my house with a perfect heart.” Notice the location: within my house. It is one thing to behave well in public, at church or at work. The real test is at home, where the children are watching. “I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes.” David decided in advance what he would and would not look at. Job said something similar: “I made a covenant with mine eyes” (Job 31:1).
Our children notice everything. They see the father who scrolls through his phone while they are speaking to him. They see the mother who checks her messages during the sermon. They see adults who forward every alarming WhatsApp broadcast without checking whether it is true, argue angrily with strangers in the comments, post their children’s photographs without asking, or reach for the phone first thing in the morning before saying good morning to anyone. And they draw conclusions about what really matters.
If you want your teenager to put the phone away at dinner, put yours away first. If you want them to sleep without a screen, charge your own phone outside the bedroom. If you want them to think before they post, let them see you hesitate before forwarding something. If you want them to confess when they have got it wrong, let them hear you say, “I have been on my phone too much this week, and I am sorry.”
The best family agreements about technology apply to everyone in the house, starting with the adults. A rule that applies only to children teaches them that technology is a privilege of power, and that one day they will be free to use it as carelessly as their parents do.
Conversations that reach the heart
PunchlineNone of this happens through a single talk. It happens through hundreds of small conversations, most of them unplanned. A few principles help.
Be curious before you are critical. Ask your teenager to show you what they enjoy: the accounts they follow, the videos that make them laugh, the music they are discovering. Watch with genuine interest. You will learn a great deal, and they will learn that you want to understand their world rather than only police it.
Talk little and often. The car, the kitchen and the walk to the shop are often better places for honest conversation than a formal sitting room talk. Teenagers often open up when they are not being looked at directly.
Let trust grow with age. A thirteen-year-old may need you to know their passwords and check their settings. A seventeen-year-old who has shown good judgement should be given more privacy, as preparation for the day when you will not be there at all. Explain the plan so that they know how trust is earned.
Protect sleep. Of all the practical rules, keeping devices out of bedrooms at night may be one of the most valuable. Young people need sleep, and the temptations of the night are stronger than those of the day. “I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep” (Psalm 4:8).
Do not avoid the hardest subjects. Many teenagers, boys and girls, will encounter pornography long before their parents think to mention it, often by accident and often at a younger age than we expect. Speak about it calmly and early, in words suitable to their age. Explain why God’s design for sexuality is good, why these images distort it, and how they can train the brain toward compulsion. Tell them plainly that if they have already seen such things, or have started to look for them, they are not beyond help and you will not reject them. Shame drives this struggle into secrecy, and secrecy is where it grows strongest.
And when your teenager confesses a failure online, whether they have watched something they should not, said something cruel or been drawn into something dangerous, respond with the grace you have received. Stay calm. Listen. Address the wrong honestly. Apply sensible consequences. But keep the relationship open, and remind them of who they are in Christ. A teenager who is shamed for telling the truth will stop telling it.
Chukwudi did not defend himself at the dinner table that evening. He picked up his phone, turned it face down, and said, “You are right, Ugochi. I am sorry.”
The next week a small basket appeared on the sideboard. Every phone in the house went into it at dinner, his first. On Saturday mornings, he and Ugochi started a habit they called “show me.” She showed him the accounts she followed, and he showed her what he spent his evenings watching. Some of it embarrassed him. He deleted two apps from his own phone that month and did not tell anyone.
They talked a great deal about the pictures and the likes. He did not forbid her from posting. He asked her the three questions from 1 Corinthians: Is it permitted? Is it good for you? Is it taking power over you?
About three months later, Ugochi came to him on a Sunday afternoon and said she had decided to take one particular app off her phone for a while. Nobody had told her to. “It was making me feel ugly,” she said simply. “I don’t want something on my phone that has that much power over me.”
He did not say much. He was too moved.
The following Sunday, as the family got out of the car at church, Ugochi noticed that her father had left his phone on the dashboard. She smiled and did not say anything either.
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- What rules does your family have about technology, and do they apply to the adults as well as the children?
- What do your children see when they watch your own use of your phone?
- How well do you understand what your teenager actually does online and why they enjoy it?
- Where does your teenager find a sense of belonging, and how could your home become more of one of those places?
- Have you told your children clearly that they can come to you if something goes wrong online, without fear of being shamed?
This Week
This week, choose one evening to sit with your teenager and ask them to show you three things they enjoy online. Watch with curiosity and ask questions without criticising. Before the week ends, examine your own phone habits honestly, decide on one change, and tell your family what it is. Then agree together on one household rule about technology that applies to everyone, starting with you.
A Prayer
Father, thank You for the children You have given me, and for the world You have placed them in. I confess that I have sometimes tried to protect them with rules alone, and that my own use of technology has not always been a good example. Give me wisdom to understand their world and patience to talk with them about it. Guard their hearts, Lord. Let them know that they are fearfully and wonderfully made and accepted in Your beloved Son, whatever any screen tells them. Give them friends who walk in wisdom, and judgement to choose well when I am not there. Help me walk within my own house with a perfect heart. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.