Reconciliation

The communion trays were moving along Haruna’s row when he remembered Ayo.

It was the first Sunday of the month at his church in Wuse, Abuja. The pastor had just read the words of institution, and the ushers were passing the small cups of wine and the broken pieces of bread from hand to hand. Haruna had taken communion hundreds of times. He had never before felt his hand refuse to move.

He and Ayo had met during their youth service year in Kaduna, two corps members sharing a cramped room in the lodge, arguing about football and politics late into the night. After service, they had started a solar installation business together in Abuja with a borrowed pick-up van and two second-hand ladders. For seven years they built it side by side. They were best man at each other’s weddings.

Then, four years ago, Ayo’s father had gone into kidney failure in Ilorin. Dialysis three times a week. A transplant on the horizon. Ayo was desperate for cash, and he offered to sell his half of the business to Haruna. What Ayo did not know, and Haruna did, was that a large state contract was about to be approved, one that would multiply the company’s value several times over. Haruna said nothing about it. He paid Ayo a fair price for the business as it had been the year before, and Ayo signed with tears of gratitude.

Three months later the contract was announced in the newspapers. Ayo called once. Haruna let it ring. They had not spoken since.

The tray reached him. Haruna looked at the bread and could not take it. He passed the tray to the woman beside him, bowed his head and sat very still while the congregation ate and drank around him. Leave there thy gift before the altar. He had read those words many times. That morning they were addressed to him.

Leave your gift at the altar

The words that stopped Haruna come from the Sermon on the Mount, in a passage where Jesus is deepening the meaning of the commandment against murder. He has just said that anger and contempt toward a brother place a person in danger of judgement. Then He gives a practical instruction:

Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

Picture the scene as Jesus’ first hearers would have pictured it. A worshipper has travelled to the temple in Jerusalem, perhaps from Galilee, a journey of several days on foot. He has brought an animal for sacrifice. He has waited his turn in the crowded courts. He is standing at the altar, at the very moment of offering. And there, in that holy place, he remembers that a brother has something against him.

Jesus’ instruction is startling. “Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way.” Leave the animal standing. Walk away from the altar. Go back, however far, and deal with the broken relationship first. “First be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.”

Several things in this passage deserve close attention.

First, notice who is responsible. Jesus does not say “if you have something against your brother,” though He addresses that situation elsewhere. He says “if thou... rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee.” The worshipper in this case is the one who has caused offence, or at least the one against whom a grievance is held. Jesus places the initiative on him. He must go. He cannot wait for the injured person to come to him.

Second, notice the priority. Worship matters enormously to God, and Jesus is not dismissing it. But He is saying that God is not honoured by worship that steps over a broken relationship we have the power to address. The prophets had said much the same: God has never wanted sacrifices offered by people who are oppressing their neighbours. Religious activity is no substitute for doing right by the people we have wronged.

Third, notice the word reconciled. The Greek verb here, diallassō, describes a change in the relationship between two parties. It means more than an apology delivered and forgotten. It describes something being put right between two people. And that, as we will see, always involves both of them.

Fourth, notice the urgency. In the next verse Jesus says, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him” (Matthew 5:25). Unresolved conflict tends to harden and escalate. The longer we leave it, the more it costs. Haruna had let four years pass, and every month had made the call harder to make.

This passage does not mean that a believer must stop taking communion every time someone, somewhere, is unhappy with him. Some people hold grievances that are unreasonable. Some hold them against everyone. The point is that when we know we have wronged someone, or that a serious breach exists which we have the power to address, we cannot treat our worship as though it were unaffected. God sends us from the altar to the door of the one we have hurt.

Reconciliation begins with God

Punchline

Before we go further, we need to ground this whole subject where Scripture grounds it. The deepest reconciliation of all is the one between God and us.

Paul writes that “God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them” (2 Corinthians 5:19). We were the ones who had wronged God. We were, in Paul’s blunt word elsewhere, enemies: “when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son” (Romans 5:10). And God took the initiative. He did not wait for us to come to Him. He came to us, at the cost of His own Son, and dealt with the offence Himself.

That is the foundation of every human reconciliation a Christian attempts. We go to people because God came to us. We forgive because we have been forgiven. We pursue peace because Christ “is our peace” (Ephesians 2:14), the one who broke down the walls between people who had been hostile.

Paul goes on to say that God “hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:19). Believers carry a message of reconciliation to the world. It would be strange indeed if the people who carry that message were unable or unwilling to pursue reconciliation in their own relationships.

But notice something else about God’s reconciliation. It was costly, and it was truthful. God did not pretend our sin did not matter. He dealt with it fully at the cross. And though the offer of reconciliation is extended to the whole world, it is received by those who turn to Him. Even divine reconciliation involves two parties: the God who offers peace, and the person who receives it. That pattern will matter a great deal as we think about our own relationships.

Going first, and going honestly

What does it actually look like to go to someone you have wronged?

It begins with honest acknowledgement. Not a vague “I’m sorry if you were hurt,” but a clear naming of what you did. Haruna could not simply say, “I am sorry things became awkward between us.” He would need to say, “I knew about the contract when I bought your share, and I did not tell you. I took advantage of your father’s illness. That was wrong.”

It continues with no excuses. There may be explanations, but an apology loaded with explanations quickly becomes a defence. The person you have hurt does not need to hear how difficult your situation was. They need to hear that you understand what you did to them.

It includes restitution where that is possible. When Zacchaeus met Jesus, he did not stop at feeling sorry. He stood up and said, “if I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold” (Luke 19:8). Genuine repentance looks for ways to repair the damage. For Haruna, that would mean money: the difference between what he had paid and what Ayo’s share had actually been worth. An apology without restitution, when restitution is in your power, is hard to believe.

And it leaves the response with the other person. This is where many attempts at reconciliation go wrong. The offender comes, apologises, perhaps even makes restitution, and then expects the relationship to return immediately to what it was. “I’ve said sorry. Why are you still cold toward me?” That expectation, however understandable, places a new burden on the injured person. It turns the apology into a demand.

Paul’s description of godly sorrow in 2 Corinthians 7 is helpful here. He says that “godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of” (2 Corinthians 7:10), and then he describes what that repentance produced in the Corinthians: carefulness, eagerness to clear themselves, indignation at what they had done, a vehement desire to put things right. Genuine repentance is active. It is serious about the wrong. And it does not hurry the injured person, because it understands how much damage was done.

Nugget

Repentance goes first and goes honestly. It names the wrong, repairs what it can, and leaves the injured person free to respond in their own time.

When you are the one who was wronged

The other side of reconciliation is the person who has been hurt. Jesus addresses that side too, in words that are both demanding and carefully balanced:

Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.

The context matters. Jesus has just warned that offences will certainly come, and that it would be better for a man to have a millstone hung round his neck than to cause one of the little ones to stumble (Luke 17:1-2). Then He says, “Take heed to yourselves.” Pay attention. This is serious.

“If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him.” The first step is honest confrontation. Jesus does not tell us to pretend nothing happened, or to swallow the offence and smile. He tells us to name it. The word rebuke can sound harsh, but it simply means to speak directly about the wrong. Silence is not the same as forgiveness, and it often allows resentment to grow.

“And if he repent, forgive him.” Here is the condition that shapes everything. Forgiveness, in the sense Jesus describes here, responds to repentance. The brother turns from what he has done, and the injured person releases him.

“And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.” Seven times in a day is an extraordinary number. Jesus is describing forgiveness that is not rationed. When Peter later asked whether seven times was enough, Jesus answered, “Until seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22). The disciples’ response to this teaching in Luke is telling: “Increase our faith” (Luke 17:5). They knew they could not do this in their own strength.

There is an important distinction here, and it will be central to everything that follows. In our hearts, before God, we are to release every offender from our desire for revenge. Paul tells us to “avenge not yourselves” (Romans 12:19), and Jesus taught us to pray for those who mistreat us. That inward release does not wait for the other person’s repentance. We can give it whether or not they ever acknowledge what they did.

But reconciliation, the restoration of the relationship itself, is different. Luke 17 links the full restoration of relationship to repentance. The brother who keeps trespassing and never turns again has not yet done his part. You can forgive him in your heart. You can refuse to take revenge. But the relationship cannot be fully restored while he continues to deny or repeat the wrong.

Peace takes more than one person

Paul states the principle with great care in his letter to the Romans: “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18).

Look at the two qualifications. “If it be possible.” Paul recognises that peace is sometimes not possible. Not every relationship can be restored. And “as much as lieth in you.” Your responsibility extends to your own part. You are accountable for what you do, what you say, the attitude you hold and the steps you take. You are not accountable for the other person’s response.

This is liberating. Some believers carry enormous guilt because a relationship has not been restored, even though they have done everything they reasonably could. They have apologised. They have made restitution. They have reached out repeatedly. The other person will not respond. Romans 12:18 tells them that they have done what lay in them. The rest belongs to God and to the other person.

Jesus gives a process for situations where a brother refuses to hear:

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

The steps are clear. Go privately first. If that fails, take one or two others, so that the matter can be established fairly. If that fails, bring it to the church. And if the person still refuses to hear, “let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.”

Many read that last phrase as an instruction to shun. But think about how Jesus treated heathen men and publicans. He ate with them. He called one of them, Matthew, to be His disciple. The phrase means that the relationship has changed: the person is no longer treated as a brother in good standing, and fellowship as before cannot continue. But they remain someone to love, to pray for and to call back. The door stays open, while the relationship as it was has been closed by their refusal.

This passage applies most directly to the life of the church, and it assumes a functioning church community. But the principle reaches further. Reconciliation is pursued patiently, honestly and through proper steps. And when one party refuses, the other party is released from the impossible task of forcing peace.

Forgiveness, reconciliation and trust

Punchline

We now need to draw together three things that are often confused, because confusing them causes great harm.

Forgiveness is releasing someone from the debt of their wrong. It is a decision of the heart before God. It can be given by one person alone, without the offender’s participation. It is always required of believers, because we have been forgiven.

Reconciliation is the restoration of a relationship. It requires both parties. It depends on honest acknowledgement of the wrong and genuine repentance. It cannot be forced by one side.

Trust is confidence that someone will not harm you again. It is rebuilt over time, through evidence. Forgiveness does not automatically restore it, and reconciliation may begin long before it has fully returned.

The story of Joseph shows these distinctions with great clarity. His brothers had sold him into slavery. Years later, when they came to Egypt to buy grain, Joseph was the governor of the land, and they did not recognise him. He did not reveal himself immediately. Instead he tested them. He accused them of being spies, held one of them as a hostage and arranged circumstances to see whether they would abandon Benjamin, their father’s favourite, as they had once abandoned him. “Ye shall be proved,” he said, “whether there be any truth in you” (Genesis 42:16).

Some have read this as cruelty. It is better read as wisdom. Joseph needed to know whether these men had changed. And when Judah offered himself as a slave in Benjamin’s place, pleading that he could not bear to see his father’s grief (Genesis 44:33-34), Joseph had his answer. These were not the same men who had sold him. Then he revealed himself:

And Joseph said unto his brethren, Come near to me, I pray you. And they came near. And he said, I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt. Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life.

“Come near to me, I pray you.” Closeness was offered, but only after Joseph had seen evidence of real change. His forgiveness may well have been settled in his heart long before. His trust, and the restoration of close relationship, waited until he knew it was safe.

That is a pattern of great importance. A believer can forgive someone fully and still not be ready to trust them. A believer can be reconciled to someone and still be wise about how much access that person has to their life. That caution is the ordinary wisdom of a heart that has been hurt and is healing, and it should never be mistaken for unforgiveness.

When reconciliation is not safe

Here we must speak very plainly. There are situations in which reconciliation is not possible, or not safe, or both. Believers who are told otherwise can be placed in real danger.

Scripture warns about people who use the language of peace to cover continuing deception:

He that hateth dissembleth with his lips, and layeth up deceit within him; When he speaketh fair, believe him not: for there are seven abominations in his heart. Whose hatred is covered by deceit, his wickedness shall be shewed before the whole congregation.

“When he speaketh fair, believe him not.” Some people know exactly what to say. They apologise beautifully. They weep. They quote Scripture. And then they do the same thing again. Their words of repentance are part of the pattern, a way of drawing the injured person back into reach. The proverb says that such a person “layeth up deceit within him.” His fair speech is a cover for unchanged intentions.

Where there is continuing deception, reconciliation in the full sense is not possible, because reconciliation depends on truth. You can forgive such a person. You can pray for them. You can refuse to take revenge. But you are not required to restore the relationship while the deception continues. Genuine repentance is shown over time, in changed behaviour, and not only in words.

Where there is danger, reconciliation must not be pursued at the cost of safety. If you are being abused, physically, sexually, emotionally or financially, by a spouse, a parent, a relative, a church leader or anyone else, please hear this clearly: God does not require you to remain in danger or return to danger in the name of reconciliation. Seek safety first. Contact the appropriate authorities. Speak to people who can help, including qualified professionals. Proverbs says, “A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself” (Proverbs 22:3). Protecting yourself and your children from harm is not a failure of faith.

Church leaders and counsellors need to hear this too. A victim of abuse should never be pressured to meet with their abuser, to “make peace” or to drop a complaint for the sake of the church’s reputation or the family’s honour. That is not reconciliation. It is a second injury. Real repentance from an abuser will accept consequences, including legal ones, and will not demand access to the person they have harmed.

Forgiveness can be given from a distance. It may take a long time, and it may be a process rather than a single moment. But it does not require you to sit across a table from someone who is still dangerous.

Peace without the old closeness

Sometimes reconciliation does happen, and yet the relationship does not return to what it was. Scripture gives us a striking example of this in the meeting of Jacob and Esau.

Twenty years earlier Jacob had deceived his father and stolen his brother’s blessing, and Esau had vowed to kill him. Now Jacob was returning home, terrified. When they met, Esau ran to embrace him, and they wept together. It is one of the most moving reconciliations in the Bible. But look at what happened next:

And he said, Let us take our journey, and let us go, and I will go before thee. And he said unto him, My lord knoweth that the children are tender, and the flocks and herds with young are with me: and if men should overdrive them one day, all the flock will die. Let my lord, I pray thee, pass over before his servant: and I will lead on softly, according as the cattle that goeth before me and the children be able to endure, until I come unto my lord unto Seir. And Esau said, Let me now leave with thee some of the folk that are with me. And he said, What needeth it? let me find grace in the sight of my lord. So Esau returned that day on his way unto Seir.

Esau offered to travel together. Jacob gently declined, giving reasons about the pace of his children and flocks. Esau offered to leave some of his men with Jacob. Jacob declined again. “So Esau returned that day on his way unto Seir,” and Jacob went to Succoth. The brothers were at peace. The hostility was over. But they lived separate lives.

Was that a failure? Not necessarily. Peace had been made. The threat of violence was gone. The two men would meet again years later to bury their father together (Genesis 35:29). But the closeness of their childhood was not restored, and perhaps it did not need to be. Some reconciliations look like this. The enmity ends. Respect returns. Life goes on in different directions.

This is important for anyone who has been hurt and is afraid that reconciliation means returning to the same closeness, the same business partnership, the same friendship as before. It may not. Peace can be real without the old intimacy. And for the person who caused the hurt, this is a call to humility. You may be forgiven and reconciled and still not be given back the place you once had. Accepting that with grace is part of genuine repentance.

Haruna did not take communion that Sunday. On Tuesday he drove to Ayo’s house in Lugbe.

He had rehearsed what to say for two days, and most of it disappeared when Ayo opened the door. But he managed the essential part. “I knew about the contract when I bought your share. I didn’t tell you. I took advantage of your father’s sickness, and it was wrong. I have come to say so, and to give you what I owe you.”

He had worked out the figure with his accountant: the difference between what he had paid and what Ayo’s half had truly been worth on the day he signed, with something added for the years since. It was a very large sum. It would take him eighteen months to pay in full.

Ayo stood in the doorway for a long time. Then he said, “My father died last year. Did you know that?” Haruna had not known. Ayo said, “I forgive you. I have been praying to be able to say that for a long time, and today I can. But please don’t ask me to be your friend again. Not now. Maybe not ever. Just pay me what you said, and let me think.”

Haruna had hoped for more. He had imagined an embrace, tears, the old friendship coming back. Instead he got a closed door and a bank account number. He drove home and cried in the car, and then he started paying.

He paid every month for eighteen months. He did not call, because Ayo had asked him not to. On the month of the final payment, his phone rang. It was Ayo. “Come and have tea,” he said. “Just tea.”

They are not business partners now, and I do not expect they ever will be. But they sit together sometimes on Ayo’s veranda in Lugbe and talk about football and politics, and once in a while about Kaduna. Peace was pursued. Repentance was shown. And the injured man was left free to decide, in his own time, how much of the friendship could come back.

If there is someone you need to go to, go. Leave your gift at the altar. Name what you did, repair what you can, and leave the rest with them and with God. And if you are the one who was hurt, forgive as you have been forgiven, and know that you are not required to hand your safety or your trust to anyone who has not shown that they can be trusted with it.

For reflection, practice and prayer

Teaching Companion

For Reflection

• Is there someone who “hath ought against thee” whom you have been avoiding? What would it mean for you to “leave thy gift” and go to them?
• If you have wronged someone, what would honest acknowledgement and restitution look like in your situation?
• Have you confused forgiveness with reconciliation or with restored trust? How has that affected you or others?
• Where does Romans 12:18 release you from responsibility for someone else’s refusal to make peace?
• Are you, or is someone you know, being pressured to reconcile in a situation that is not safe? Who could help?

This Week

Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind one relationship that needs attention. If you are the one who caused harm, write out a short, honest acknowledgement of what you did, without excuses, and note what restitution might be possible. Then make the contact this week, in person if it is safe and appropriate, and leave the response with the other person. If you are the one who was harmed, write a prayer releasing the person to God, and decide with wise counsel whether any further step toward reconciliation is safe and right at this time.

A Prayer

Father, thank You for reconciling me to Yourself through Jesus Christ while I was still Your enemy. Show me where I need to leave my gift at the altar and go to someone I have wronged. Give me the humility to name my sin plainly, the integrity to repair what I can, and the patience to let others respond in their own time. Where I have been hurt, help me to forgive as You have forgiven me. Give me wisdom to know when reconciliation is possible and when it is not safe, and keep me from confusing forgiveness with blind trust. Make me a peacemaker, as much as lies in me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.

Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.