The older couple who mentored them lived in a bungalow in Bodija, Ibadan, with a mango tree in the compound and a dog that barked at every visitor and then lay down at their feet. Morayo and Kamsi had been courting for five months when they drove there one Saturday evening for what their mentors called, half joking, “the honest evening.”
The rules were simple. Each of them would tell the other the things a future spouse had a right to know before the families were brought in. No one would interrupt. No one would decide anything that night.
Kamsi went first. He is thirty-four, an IT consultant who had moved from Lagos to Ibadan for a contract with a bank. He told her that he was still paying off just over four million naira from a poultry business that had collapsed three years earlier when bird flu wiped out his stock. He told her that he sent sixty thousand naira home to his widowed mother in Awka every month, and that he would not stop. And then he said something he had not planned to say. “I nearly did not tell you about the debt. I thought I would clear it quietly before the wedding and you would never need to know.”
Morayo is thirty, a physiotherapist at a teaching hospital. She told him her genotype, and she told him that in her final year at university she had been treated for depression, that she had taken medication for eighteen months, and that she still saw a counsellor twice a year when things grew heavy. Her hands were shaking. She had never told a man this before.
There was a long silence. The dog shifted under the table. Then Kamsi said, “Thank you for telling me. I would rather know you than imagine you.”
Their mentor’s wife told me later that she knew at that moment that whatever happened between them, the courtship was being built well. She was right about that, though not in the way any of them expected.
What courtship is for
The word courtship means different things to different people. For some it suggests a strict system with rules about chaperones and hand-holding. For others it is simply an old-fashioned word for dating. In our setting, I want to give it a practical definition.
PunchlineCourtship is a relationship between two unmarried people, entered into openly, with marriage in view, for the purpose of honest discovery. Each part of that definition matters.
It is entered into openly. Both people know what the relationship is and what it is for. Their friends, their church community and, at the right stage, their families know about it as well. It is not hidden.
It has marriage in view. That does not mean marriage is guaranteed. It means the relationship is directed toward answering a question: should we marry? It is not a way to pass time, to enjoy attention without commitment, or to have a companion for weddings and office parties.
And it is for honest discovery. The purpose of courtship is to know and to be known, truthfully, so that both people can make a free and informed decision. It is a season of finding out.
In many Nigerian families, the path to marriage includes several stages: the private relationship, the moment when the man’s family visits to make their intentions known, sometimes called the introduction or “knocking on the door,” then the traditional engagement with its list and bride price, and finally the church wedding. Each culture does this differently, and the customs are often beautiful. Courtship, as I am describing it, is the season before and around the introduction, when two people are discovering whether they should take those further steps at all. It is a time of real seriousness. But it is not yet a covenant. Nobody has made vows. That distinction will matter a great deal as we go on.
Clear intentions
Jesus said, “let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil” (Matthew 5:37). He was teaching about oaths, warning against people who used elaborate promises to sound trustworthy while leaving themselves room to escape. His point was that a disciple’s plain word should be reliable. Say what you mean. Mean what you say.
That principle is badly needed in relationships between Christians. Many single believers, especially women, have spent years in relationships that were never clearly defined. He visits on Sundays, calls most nights, takes her to his friends’ weddings, and when she asks where it is going, he says, “Let us keep praying about it.” Three years later, they are still praying about it. Sometimes the pattern runs the other way, with a woman who enjoys a man’s attention and support while having no intention of marrying him.
Courtship with purpose requires clear intentions. If you are interested in someone with a view to marriage, say so plainly, at the beginning. “I would like us to get to know each other seriously, with marriage in view. Would you be willing?” If you are not ready for marriage, or not sure you want to marry this person, do not begin a courtship. Friendship is good. But do not allow a friendship to function as a courtship while refusing to name it.
Clear intentions also involve a sense of time. Courtship should not drift on indefinitely. That does not mean setting a wedding date in the first month. Different couples need different lengths of time, and some situations, such as a long-distance relationship or a period of study, may require more patience. But both people should know, roughly, what kind of season they are in, and should be willing to talk honestly if the relationship is not moving toward an answer.
Speaking truth with your neighbour
Paul’s letter to the Ephesians moves from doctrine to life in chapter 4. He has been describing what it means to put off the old self and put on the new, “which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness” (Ephesians 4:24). Then the very first practical instruction he gives is about truth:
Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
“Wherefore putting away lying.” Paul begins with lying because deception destroys every relationship it touches. And notice the reason he gives: “for we are members one of another.” Believers belong to one body. Lying to a brother or sister in Christ is like one part of the body deceiving another. It harms the whole.
If that is true for all believers, it is especially true for two believers who are considering becoming one flesh. Courtship requires appropriate openness. The word appropriate matters. You do not owe a person you have just met every detail of your past on the first evening. Openness grows as trust and commitment grow. But before you make serious commitments, and certainly before families are brought into the matter, the other person has a right to know the things that will shape a shared life.
What are those things? Faith, first of all: where you truly stand with God, not only where you appear to stand on Sunday. Finances: what you earn, what you owe, what you are obliged to give to your family and what you expect from a spouse. Health: your genotype, which in Nigeria is a basic responsibility, along with any chronic illness, disability or condition that will affect a marriage, including mental health. Family: previous marriages, children from earlier relationships, any obligations or entanglements that will travel with you into a new home.
When should these things be shared? There is no exact timetable, but a sensible order helps. Your faith and your intentions belong at the very beginning. Matters that could make the marriage impossible for the other person, such as a previous marriage, children, or a serious health condition, should be shared early, before strong emotional bonds have formed, so that the other person can step back without being devastated. Finances in detail, genotype and family obligations should certainly be on the table before the introduction. If both of you carry the sickle cell trait, do not hide behind slogans in either direction. Seek proper medical counsel together, understand the options and the risks, and make a decision you can both live with before God, without pressure from anyone.
Kamsi’s admission that he had nearly kept quiet about his debt is very common. Many people plan to fix a problem quietly before the wedding so that the other person never has to know. It feels kind. It is actually a form of lying, and it rarely works. Debts surface. Health conditions reveal themselves. Children from past relationships appear at the door. And when they do, the hidden thing does more damage than the truth would ever have done, because now it carries the added weight of deception.
NuggetYou cannot freely choose a person you do not truly know. Openness in courtship protects both people’s freedom to say yes, or to say no.
There is a guard-rail here as well. Openness does not mean that one person may demand access to everything, at once, on their own terms. Some people use “honesty” as a weapon: insisting on passwords to the other person’s phone, interrogating them about every past friendship, or treating every disclosure as ammunition in later arguments. That is control, not openness. Truth shared in courtship should be received with the same care with which it was given.
Love that does not behave unseemly
Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13 gives us a way to measure a courtship from the inside. He writes, “Charity suffereth long, and is kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). Courtship is a good place to see whether patience and kindness are real. How does this person respond when you are late, when you disagree, when you say you need time?
Love “Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Love does not act disgracefully, and it is not driven by self-interest. In courtship, that rules out using the other person for status, money, a visa or physical pleasure. It also rules out pressure. A man who says, “If you love me, you will prove it,” is seeking his own. A woman who expects a man to fund her lifestyle before any commitment has been made may be seeking hers. Love asks, What is good for this person?
Love “Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6). This is the heart of courtship with purpose. Love is glad when the truth comes out, even when the truth is uncomfortable. When Kamsi told Morayo about the debt and she told him about her depression, each of them had a choice about how to receive the other’s truth. Love rejoices in it, because truth makes real knowledge possible.
And love “Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). That does not mean love believes every lie or bears every abuse. Paul has just said that love rejoices in the truth. It means love is not quick to give up on a person, is generous in interpretation and keeps hoping in God. In courtship, that generosity has to be balanced with clear eyes, because the purpose of this season is to see accurately.
Doing things in the open
The book of Ruth contains one of the most honourable courtships in Scripture. Ruth, the widow from Moab, has gone to Boaz at night on the threshing floor and asked him to act as her kinsman-redeemer, which in effect was a request for marriage. Boaz is clearly willing. But listen to what he says:
And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman. And now it is true that I am thy near kinsman: howbeit there is a kinsman nearer than I. Tarry this night, and it shall be in the morning, that if he will perform unto thee the part of a kinsman, well; let him do the kinsman’s part: but if he will not do the part of a kinsman to thee, then will I do the part of a kinsman to thee, as the LORD liveth: lie down until the morning.
Boaz could have taken what was offered. It was night. Nobody was watching. Instead, he tells Ruth the truth: there is a kinsman nearer than he is, with a prior right. He will not go around that man. He will do the thing properly, in the morning, in the open.
And he does:
Then went Boaz up to the gate, and sat him down there: and, behold, the kinsman of whom Boaz spake came by; unto whom he said, Ho, such a one! turn aside, sit down here. And he turned aside, and sat down. And he took ten men of the elders of the city, and said, Sit ye down here. And they sat down.
Boaz went to the city gate, where legal and public matters were settled. He called the nearer kinsman. He gathered ten elders as witnesses. Everything was done before the community. The other man had his chance, declined it, and only then did Boaz take Ruth as his wife.
There is great wisdom here for courtship today. A relationship directed toward marriage should be able to stand in the light. That does not mean every conversation is public. It means nothing is hidden that would need to be hidden. Your friends know. Your pastor or mentor knows. At the right stage, your families know and are involved. In many of our cultures, the family introduction is precisely the modern “gate,” where intentions are made public and two families begin to know each other. Paul put the principle this way when he was handling money for the churches:
Providing for honest things, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men.
“Not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men.” It is not enough for a relationship to be honest in your own conscience. It should also be accountable to people who love you. Secret relationships are vulnerable relationships. When nobody else knows, nobody else can see warning signs, offer counsel or protect you if something goes wrong.
Counsel that establishes
The book of Proverbs returns again and again to the value of counsel:
Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.
“Without counsel purposes are disappointed.” The word purposes means plans or intentions. Plans made in isolation tend to fail. “But in the multitude of counsellors they are established.” Plans that have been tested by wise people tend to stand.
Every courting couple needs counsellors. Ideally these include an older married couple who can meet with you both, a pastor who knows you, and individual friends of mature faith who will tell you the truth. Morayo and Kamsi’s mentors in Bodija played exactly that role. They provided a safe place for the honest evening. They watched the couple together. They asked questions that neither of them would have thought to ask.
Counsel is not the same as control. A wise counsellor asks questions, shares observations and offers perspective. A controlling one tries to make the decision for you. Parents, too, play a vital role in Nigerian courtship, and their counsel deserves honour. But the final decision to marry belongs to the two people who will make the vows. Good counsel establishes your purposes. It does not replace them.
Free to reconsider
Here we come to one of the most important truths about courtship, and one that churches sometimes neglect. Courtship is not a guarantee. It is a season of discovery, and discovery can lead to either answer.
Many believers feel trapped in relationships they no longer believe are right, because ending them seems impossible. “We have told the whole church.” “His family has already visited.” “My mother has sewn the aso-ebi.” “We prayed and we both felt God was in it.” Sometimes the pressure is spiritual. One person says, “God told me you are my wife, so you cannot break up with me.” Or, “If you leave, you are leaving God’s will.” Or, “We have already sown seed into this relationship.” These phrases use the language of faith to remove the other person’s freedom.
That is not how God works. Courtship is entered freely so that marriage can be entered freely. If at any point before the vows either person comes to believe the marriage would be wrong, they are free, and in fact responsible, to say so. Even an introduction or a traditional engagement can be ended, painful and embarrassing as that may be. It is infinitely better to disappoint two families and a church than to enter a covenant you cannot keep with a whole heart.
Sometimes the pressure is not spiritual at all. It is the weight of time already spent. “We have been together four years. I cannot start again now.” That reasoning has led many people into marriages they knew were wrong. The years you have invested are already gone, whatever you decide. The only question is whether the years ahead will be spent in a covenant you entered with a whole heart. Four years of courtship that end honestly are a loss. Forty years of marriage entered against your conscience are a far greater one.
If you are the one who wants to end the relationship, do it honestly, kindly and in person where possible. Do not simply disappear. Explain what you can. Inform those who need to know, especially if families have been involved, and where customs require gifts or payments to be returned, handle that with integrity. If you are the one being left, your grief is real, and you may need time and support to heal. But do not use spiritual language to try to keep a person who is choosing to go. Their freedom to say no is the same freedom that would have made their yes meaningful.
Staying safe
Courtship has a protective purpose as well, and the book of Proverbs speaks to it:
A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished.
Punchline“A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself.” Prudence means seeing danger before it arrives and taking sensible precautions. “But the simple pass on, and are punished.” Naivety is not a virtue.
Many relationships today begin online, through social media, dating platforms or messaging groups. That is not wrong in itself, and some good marriages have started that way. But online spaces are also full of people who pretend to be someone else. Romance scams are common. A person presents as a successful engineer on an oil rig, a doctor with an international charity or a soldier on deployment. They are warm, attentive and quick to speak of love and marriage. They will not video call, or the video is always poor. And sooner or later there is a crisis: a customs fee, a hospital bill, a frozen bank account, a flight that must be paid for. Do not send money to someone you have not met in person and come to know well. Do not send intimate images to anyone; they are often used for blackmail. If you are being threatened, tell someone you trust and report it to the police or the EFCC. You are not the guilty party. The person exploiting you is.
Be careful, too, where there is an imbalance of power. A pastor, a church leader, a lecturer or an employer who pursues a relationship with someone under his care, especially in secret, is placing that person in a position where saying no feels dangerous. Spiritual authority makes this worse, because the other person may feel that refusing him is refusing God. A godly leader who is genuinely interested in someone will bring the matter into the open, submit it to other leaders, and make it clear that the person is completely free to decline. Secrecy and pressure from someone in authority are serious warning signs, and you are right to seek counsel from outside that relationship.
When you meet someone in person for the first time, meet in a public place. Tell a friend where you are going and when you expect to return. Arrange your own transport. Do not go alone to someone’s house or hotel room early in a relationship.
Be alert to coercion too, even in relationships that began well within the church. Warning signs include pressure for sexual intimacy, intense jealousy, demands to check your phone, attempts to separate you from friends and family, threats, explosive anger or any physical aggression. These do not improve after marriage. If you are in a relationship where you feel afraid, speak to someone you trust, and if you are in danger, contact the police. If you have been sexually assaulted, seek medical care quickly. Many states have sexual assault referral centres; in Lagos, for example, the Mirabel Centre offers free support. What happened to you is not your fault, and you do not have to carry it alone.
Morayo and Kamsi kept courting for another seven months after the honest evening. The disclosures did not end their relationship. In some ways they made it stronger. They had both told the truth, and the truth had been received with kindness.
But as the months went on, they each began to notice something neither of them wanted to see. They handled conflict in ways that left them both exhausted. Kamsi withdrew into silence for days. Morayo pursued him for answers until he felt cornered. They went to their mentors. They tried. They prayed a great deal. And gradually, separately, each of them came to the same conclusion: they cared for one another, but they should not marry.
Kamsi’s family had already visited Morayo’s parents. It was painful. There were relatives on both sides who were angry and confused. Kamsi’s mother cried on the phone. Morayo’s aunty said that she had embarrassed the family. They went together to see both sets of parents and explained, as honestly as they could, that they had discovered what courtship was meant to help them discover.
Two years later, Kamsi married a woman from his church in Lagos. Morayo was at the wedding. She told me she cried a little during the vows, and then she danced. “We did not waste that year,” she said. “We learned to tell the truth. We learned that we were free. I know I can do that again, and I will do it better.”
That is what courtship with purpose looks like. Two people walking toward a question, with honesty, counsel and freedom, until they find the answer. Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes it is no. Either way, if the truth has been told and love has been kept, the season has done its work.
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- How would you define the purpose of courtship in your own words, and how does that differ from the way relationships are often conducted around you?
- What would “appropriate openness” require of you in a relationship directed toward marriage, especially concerning faith, finances and health?
- Who are the counsellors you would invite to speak into a courtship, and do they know you well enough to tell you the truth?
- Have you ever felt that spiritual language was used to take away your freedom in a relationship? How does this teaching help you respond?
- Which of the safety guidelines in this teaching do you most need to put into practice?
This Week
If you are in a courtship, arrange an “honest evening” with a trusted older couple or pastor within the next month, and prepare by writing down what your future spouse has a right to know about your faith, finances, health and family. If you are not in a relationship, write down what clear intentions would look like for you, list two or three people you would ask to counsel you, and review your online safety: who you are speaking to, what you have shared and what you would never send.
A Prayer
Lord, thank You for the gift of relationships and for the hope of marriage. Teach me to speak the truth in love, because we are members one of another. Give me courage to be open when openness is costly, and grace to receive another person’s truth with kindness. Keep my intentions clear and my word reliable. Surround me with wise counsellors, and help me to walk in the light. Guard me from deception, from pressure and from anyone who would harm me. If a relationship is not Your will, give me freedom and honesty to say so, and comfort for any grief that follows. And if You lead me into marriage, let me enter it with a whole heart and a willing yes. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.