Nmachi was chief bridesmaid at her younger sister’s wedding. She was thirty-eight years old, and it was the fourth time.
She did everything well, as she always did. She had organised the bridal train, chosen the fabric, sorted out the hall decoration when the vendor disappointed, and stayed up until two in the morning gluing tiny pearls onto the bride’s shoes. At the church she held the bouquet and fixed the veil. At the reception in Owerri she danced the bride in, smiling, with the other bridesmaids in matching wine-coloured gowns.
Then the MC, a popular comedian, spotted her. “Ah! Chief bridesmaid!” he called into the microphone. “Aunty Nmachi, this is your fourth time, eh? When are we coming to eat your own rice?” The hall laughed. An auntie at the front shouted, “We are tired of waiting!” Someone else said, “Don’t worry, she is next!” There was a round of applause, as if it were a blessing.
Nmachi laughed too. She raised her glass. Then, a few minutes later, she slipped out to the hotel toilet, locked herself in a cubicle and sat there for twenty minutes in her wine-coloured gown, crying as quietly as she could.
She told me about it some weeks later, back in Abuja, where she worked as a senior procurement officer in one of the federal ministries. She had a good job, a small flat she rented in Gwarinpa, a car, and a seat on the church’s finance committee. She also had a growing collection of things people had said to her. A prophet at a crusade had declared over her, “Husband by December!” That was three Decembers ago. An uncle had told her she was “too educated, too choosy.” A colleague had suggested a “marriage deliverance” programme that cost two hundred thousand naira. And a married man at work, kind and attentive, had recently begun to hint that he would be willing to take her as a second wife, “since time is going.”
Punchline“Pastor,” she said, “I am not asking you to promise me a husband. I have had enough promises. I just want to know how to live.”
The sorrow is real
Before anything else is said, the sorrow must be acknowledged. Scripture does not ask us to pretend:
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.
“Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.” This is one of the most honest sentences in the Bible. When something good that you long for keeps being delayed, it does something to the heart. It makes it sick. It wears you down. The writer of Proverbs is not rebuking the person who feels this. He is describing what is true of human beings.
The desire to be married is a good desire. God Himself said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). The longing for companionship, intimacy, a home and perhaps children is part of how God made us. To long for it is not a lack of faith or a sign of discontentment with God. And to grieve its absence is not sinful.
Many believers have felt that they must hide this grief. They smile at weddings and cry in hotel toilets. They pray for other people’s marriages and keep their own longing to themselves, because they have been told that a truly spiritual person would be satisfied with God alone. But the psalmists did not hide their longing. “How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily?” (Psalm 13:1-2). That is a prayer God placed in His own book. He is not offended by honest lament.
In our culture, the sorrow is often made heavier by public pressure. Single women in their thirties are asked about marriage at every family gathering. Men face their own version: “When will you settle down? Are you not a man?” Some are told they are cursed, or that they have a “spirit husband” or “spirit wife,” or that their singleness must be the result of hidden sin. Some are made to feel like failures in every other area of life, however much they have achieved.
For many women the waiting carries a particular fear: the passing of the years in which children can be born. That fear is real, and it deserves honesty, not jokes. If it weighs on you, it is wise to speak with a doctor you trust about your own health and your options, instead of carrying vague anxieties alone. It is also worth remembering that God’s family has always included children received in other ways. Adoption, fostering and spiritual parenting are not second-best consolations in Scripture, and many single and childless believers have become fathers and mothers to a generation.
Men carry their own weight. Many are told, directly or indirectly, that they cannot marry until they have a house, a car, a large bank balance and the money for an impressive wedding. In an economy where rent alone can swallow a young man’s salary, those expectations can push marriage further and further away, and leave a man feeling that he has failed before he has begun. Responsibility matters, and a man should be ready to work and provide. But a family’s list of material conditions is not the same as God’s, and a couple can begin humbly and build together.
None of this shame comes from God. If you are carrying it, set it down. Your singleness is not a verdict on your worth, your holiness or your faith.
No invented promises
Nmachi’s request was wise. She did not want any more promises. And part of caring for single believers honestly is refusing to give them promises God has not given.
The Bible does not promise that every believer will marry. That is a hard thing to say, but it is true, and saying it is kinder in the end than raising false hopes. Many faithful men and women in Scripture and in church history lived and died single. Some by choice, some by circumstance. Jesus was single. Paul was single, or perhaps widowed, by the time he wrote to the Corinthians.
Verses are often used as if they were guarantees. “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart” (Psalm 37:4). This is a beautiful promise, but it is not a contract that obliges God to deliver a spouse by a certain date. As we delight in Him, our desires themselves are shaped, and He gives what is truly good. “No good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11). That is true. But God, who sees the whole of our lives, decides what is good and when. We are not told it will always match our timetable.
That is why “husband by December” prophecies do so much damage. When December passes, the single person is left with their original sorrow and a new question as well: did God fail, or did I? A loving church does not play with people’s hopes.
Yet Scripture speaks a word of extraordinary dignity to those who feel left out of the ordinary blessings of family life. Through Isaiah, God addressed a group of people who could never marry or have children: the eunuchs, men who had been made physically unable to father children, often as servants in royal courts.
Neither let the son of the stranger, that hath joined himself to the LORD , speak, saying, The LORD hath utterly separated me from his people: neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree. For thus saith the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant; Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off.
“Neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree.” In Israel, a man without children was considered cut off. His name would die with him. But God says, “Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters.” God gives them a place in His house and an everlasting name.
The passage holds out something deeper than a spouse: that no one who belongs to God is a dry tree. Your life is not incomplete. Your name is not cut off. You have a place in the house of God that marriage could never give and its absence can never remove.
No one who belongs to God is a dry tree. Your life has a place and a name in His house that marriage could never give and its absence can never remove.
My soul, wait thou only upon God
Where do you put your hope while you wait? David answers in one of the most beautiful passages in the Psalms:
My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.
Psalm 62 was written in a time of pressure. Earlier in the psalm, David describes enemies who “consult to cast him down” and who “bless with their mouth, but they curse inwardly” (Psalm 62:4). He was surrounded by people who smiled at him while undermining him. Many single believers know that feeling.
“My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.” David speaks to his own soul. He tells himself where to look. The key word is only. Not on a husband or wife. Not on a prophet. Not on a marriage programme. “My expectation is from him.”
This does not mean you cannot hope for marriage. It means that your deepest hope is not marriage itself. If your whole sense of security, joy and worth depends on whether a person comes into your life, then you are building on sand. If it depends on God, you are standing on a rock. “He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved.” A rock does not shake when the MC makes a joke.
Then comes the invitation: “Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us.” Trusting God is not the same as stuffing your feelings away. It includes pouring out your heart to Him: the loneliness, the disappointment, the fear, the anger at people’s careless words. God is a refuge. You can run into Him with all of it.
The psalm ends that section with Selah, a word that probably marked a pause in the singing. It is worth pausing there yourself. Before you rush to the next task or the next prayer request, stay for a while in the presence of the One who is your rock. Let your soul learn, slowly, that it is safe with Him.
Singleness is not a waiting room
Paul wrote to the Corinthians about marriage and singleness during what he calls “the present distress” (1 Corinthians 7:26), probably a time of persecution or hardship. In that context, he says something surprising:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.
Paul is not running marriage down. Earlier in the same chapter, he affirms marriage strongly. But he wants single believers to see that their state has real advantages. “He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord.” The married person has divided responsibilities, as they should. They must care for a spouse and a home. The single person has a particular freedom to give undivided attention to God and His work.
Notice Paul’s purpose: “And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.” He is not trying to trap anyone into singleness. He is trying to help them see that a single life can be a full, focused and beautiful life before God. Earlier he calls singleness a gift: “every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that” (1 Corinthians 7:7).
Many single believers have been taught, openly or by implication, that singleness is a waiting room, a temporary and lesser state you endure until real life begins at the wedding. The New Testament does not see it that way. The single believer is a full member of the body of Christ, with full dignity, full gifts and a full calling. Your life is happening now, and it matters to God now.
That does not mean you must stop desiring marriage. Paul’s teaching does not require you to pretend you have the “gift” of lifelong singleness if you do not feel it. But whatever your future holds, the season you are in now is not wasted time. It is a season with its own opportunities to know God, serve others and grow.
Building a meaningful present
When the people of Judah were taken into exile in Babylon, many expected to return home quickly. Prophets told them so. Jeremiah sent them a different message. Their exile would last a long time, and they were to live fully in the meantime: “Build ye houses, and dwell in them; and plant gardens, and eat the fruit of them” (Jeremiah 29:5). Do not put your life on hold, God said. Live.
NuggetYour singleness is not an exile. But the principle applies. Do not wait for marriage to start living. Here are some ways to build a meaningful present.
Invest in your relationship with God. Single people often have more freedom to give time to prayer, study and worship. Use it for the simple reason that God is worth knowing. You cannot earn a spouse by devotion, and you do not need to.
Build real friendships. Loneliness is one of the hardest parts of singleness. Do not wait for others to reach out. Invest in friendships with both married and single people. Be part of a small group. Be hospitable. Have people over for meals. Scripture says, “God setteth the solitary in families” (Psalm 68:6), and the church is meant to be one of those families.
Develop your gifts and vocation. Take that course. Start the business. Write the book. Train for the promotion. Grow in your profession. Your gifts are not reserved for after the wedding.
Serve. Mentor younger people. Join a ministry. Visit the sick. Sponsor a child’s school fees. Many single believers have been among the most fruitful servants in the history of the church precisely because they were free to give themselves fully.
Make a home. Many single people live as if their current home is temporary. They do not buy the good furniture, decorate the walls or invite people over, because they are waiting for “real” life to begin. Build your house, and dwell in it. Make it a place of welcome now.
Steward your body, money and future. Take care of your health. Save and invest wisely. Plan for your retirement. None of this is a sign of giving up on marriage. It is simply wise living.
And take reasonable steps towards marriage if you desire it. There is a difference between desperation and openness. It is not unspiritual to let trusted friends know you would welcome an introduction, to go to places where you can meet other believers, or to be open to people you might have overlooked. God often works through ordinary means.
Refusing choices made from desperation
One of the greatest dangers in a long wait is the temptation to make a choice primarily to escape the pain or the pressure. Scripture records an early example:
Now Sarai Abram’s wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.
God had promised Abram and Sarai a son. Years passed. Sarai grew old. The promise seemed delayed beyond hope. So she took matters into her own hands. “It may be that I may obtain children by her.” Her plan was culturally acceptable in her world, and Abram agreed. But it brought years of pain, rivalry and sorrow to everyone involved, including Hagar, who was used and later cast out.
Desperation makes choices that peace would never make. In the area of marriage, those choices are many:
- Marrying an unbeliever because no believer has come along, despite the clear instruction to marry “only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39).
- Accepting the attention of a married man or woman, or agreeing to become a second wife or a secret partner.
- Ignoring serious warning signs in a relationship because you fear it is your last chance.
- Lowering your sexual boundaries in the hope of keeping someone.
- Paying large sums to prophets or deliverance programmes that promise to “break the yoke” of singleness.
- Marrying someone you do not love or respect because family pressure has become unbearable.
Every one of these may look like an escape. In reality, each one exchanges a season of longing for a lifetime of a different kind of pain. A wrong marriage is far harder than no marriage. Many married people would tell you so, if you could hear them honestly.
The writer of Hebrews gives us a word that holds us steady when desperation pulls:
Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.
“Be content with such things as ye have.” Contentment, as Hebrews describes it, is the settled confidence that God is enough and that He is with you. It can live alongside an unfulfilled desire without being ruled by it. The reason for contentment is given immediately: “for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Whatever else you do not have, you have His presence, and you will always have it.
And notice the second half: “The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.” Much of the pressure single believers feel is fear of people: fear of what the family will say, fear of the whispers in church, fear of being the subject of jokes at weddings. Hebrews says that the Lord is your helper. You do not need to make life-shaping decisions out of fear of what people think.
A word to families and churches
PunchlineFamilies and churches have a part to play in this too. Much of the pain that single people carry comes from the way others treat their singleness.
Stop the jokes. A comment at a wedding reception may seem harmless to you, but it may send someone to a hotel toilet in tears. Do not ask single adults “When is your own?” as a form of greeting. Do not pray for their marriages loudly in public without first asking whether they want you to.
Do not treat singleness as a sign of spiritual failure, a curse or a problem to be fixed. Do not push single people towards anyone who happens to be available. Do not pressure them into unwise relationships in order to save the family’s face.
Include single people fully in the life of the church. Invite them to your homes for meals, not only for babysitting. Give them leadership and responsibility according to their gifts. Do not design every church programme around married couples and children. Single members are not a separate category to be managed. They are brothers and sisters.
And if a single believer confides their longing in you, listen. You do not need to fix it or promise them a spouse. Just be present, pray with them, and remind them that they are loved.
Nmachi did not get married that year. I did not promise her she would.
What she did was this. She stopped going to the marriage deliverance meetings. She told the married man at work, clearly and kindly, that she would not be continuing the conversation, and she asked to be moved to a different team. She started a small Saturday mentoring group for young women at her office, many of whom were dealing with the same pressures she had carried. She began a part-time master’s programme she had postponed for years. She bought the good sofa for her flat and started hosting a monthly Sunday lunch for whoever needed somewhere to eat after church.
She still felt the longing. She told me so honestly, more than once. Some evenings were hard. But she said the heaviness had changed. “I used to feel that my life had not started,” she said. “Now I feel like I am living it.”
The following year, there was another family wedding, this time a cousin’s. At the reception, an auntie leaned across the table and asked the familiar question. “Nmachi, when are we coming to eat your own rice?”
Nmachi smiled. “Aunty, when God gives me a husband, you will eat rice. Until then, come to my house on Sunday and eat my jollof. It is very sweet.”
The auntie laughed and said she would come. And the following Sunday, she did.
Teaching Companion
For Reflection
- What sorrow or longing about marriage have you been hiding from God? What would it mean to “pour out your heart before him”?
- Have you been given promises about marriage that God did not give? How does Isaiah 56 speak to your sense of worth?
- In what ways have you treated your present life as a waiting room? What would it look like to “build houses, and dwell in them”?
- Are there choices you are tempted to make mainly to escape pressure or pain? What would contentment and trust look like instead?
- If you are married, how could you make single people in your church and family feel more included and less pressured?
This Week
Write down three ways in which you have been putting your life on hold while waiting for marriage, and choose one to act on this week, whether that is beginning a course, inviting someone for a meal, starting a ministry or making your home more welcoming. Then pray Psalm 62:5-8 aloud every morning, telling God honestly how you feel, and finishing with the words, “My soul, wait thou only upon God.”
A Prayer
Lord, You see the longing in my heart and the sorrow I sometimes hide. Thank You that I can pour out my heart before You and that You are my refuge. Forgive me for the times I have placed my hope in marriage, in people or in promises You did not make. Teach my soul to wait only upon You. Help me to live fully in the season I am in, to use my gifts, to love others and to make my life a place of welcome. Keep me from choices made out of desperation or fear. Thank You that You will never leave me nor forsake me. If it is Your will to give me a spouse, prepare my heart. Whatever You give, let my life be a name in Your house that shall not be cut off. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Truth received brings freedom. Truth believed establishes the heart.
Scripture quotations are from the King James Version. · Illustrations using first names only are composites unless stated otherwise.